“Our Life Together Can Be Better”

Rev. Jim Wallis was on The Stephanie Miller Show today. I just caught the last few minutes of the interview but someone pointed me to it over here on Soundcloud.

I recommend giving it a listen. Wallis is so refreshing. He’s a much-needed counter to the frothy-mouthed “gays and feminists caused x, y, z disaster” we usually get from religious circles. He’s promoting a new book about bringing back the old ethos of social responsibility and the common good; in fact, he told Miller the first line of the book is, “our life together can be better.” I really like that. I think we forget sometimes that we really do have a part to play in all of this. If we want everything to be better for more people, we can actually make it happen. We can, you know.

Wallis is supposedly of the evangelical persuasion, but he seems to spend all of his time and energy preaching about caring for the poor and marginalized and building a just society. Most evangelicals who cross my path seem to spend 99% of their energy trying to lead people to Jesus and little time worrying about them beyond that. If that’s all you get out of the Bible then I have no time for you.

Also, something I’ve noticed lately — and maybe it’s just because I’m somewhat disconnected from that world — but it seems like there’s been a real lack of Jesus-y stories in the aftermath of the Boston; West, Texas; and Newtown tragedies. You know how whenever there’s a horrible tragedy we always hear stories about how God stepped in and performed some kind of miracle? And then all the parties involved appear on The 700 Club and such to talk about it? And Christian musicians write songs about it? Martyrs pulled from the rubble and all that?

I’m thinking of Columbine shooting victim Cassie Bernall, who supposedly was asked if she believed in God with a gun to her head. The story was that Cassie responded yes (later versions of the story in Christian media had her being told to deny her religion and be spared, and Cassie refusing). Michael W. Smith wrote a hit song about it. Other witnesses disputed these accounts, but it didn’t matter, the story was trotted out as an evangelism tool. We got a similar story after the Heath High School shootings in Kentucky and the Aurora theater shooting.

Anyway, I haven’t heard any stories like this after any of our recent tragedies. Maybe I’ve missed them, or maybe this brand of religion is truly dying. It certainly doesn’t seem to be doing much for the people it’s supposedly trying to help — and yes, glossy multimedia marketing campaign, I’m looking at you. Those annoying “I Am Second” billboards have started popping up all over Nashville and people, they are everywhere.

I’m just trying to figure out how an artsy black and white photograph of Scott Hamilton or Darrell Waltrip topped by the words “I Am Second” is supposed to help someone working at the local multiplex who’s just had their hours cut because Regal Entertainment would rather give their CEO a 31% pay raise than pay for their employees’ health insurance.

This is the kind of stuff that worries people like Jim Wallis, and it should worry more church people. This is the kind of issue that makes the church “relevant,” not the production values on a multimedia marketing campaign. Just sayin’, guys.

Suckers

I know Christians like to think they’re better than everyone else, at least the ones around here do. But is there some evidence that they’re healthier than anyone else? If there is I sure haven’t seen it. But Kentucky is poised to pass a “Christians-only” healthcare plan that singles out Jesus people:

House Oks Christian health care plan for Ky.

[...]

The proposal would exempt the Medi-Share ministry from state insurance regulations. A Franklin County circuit judge ordered the ministry to shut down last year at the Kentucky Insurance Department’s request. The bill in its current form would require members to sign a notice acknowledging they’re aware they may not have their claims paid.

The plan resembles secular insurance in some ways but only allows participation by people who pledge to live Christian lives with no smoking, drinking, using drugs or having sex outside of marriage.

Whew boy. First of all, this just reeks of a scam to me. Hey, let’s give insurance companies another reason to deny people claims! You missed Bible study on Wednesday! No bypass surgery for YOU! And let me say, the idea that people who don’t drink or smoke or have sex outside of marriage or use drugs are living a “Christian lifestyle” is just hilarious. Why not have a health care plan for vegans and exempt them from state insurance regulations? Seems like there’s actual evidence that a vegan diet is healthier than the gravy-slathered deep-fried fat balls most good Southern Christian folk I know shove done their gullets on Sundays.

But look, the whole dang point of being a Christian is not that you’re somehow better than everyone else and living a perfect, sinless life so you get the earthly reward of cheap health insurance. That’s not what the freaking Bible is about, people! It’s about a relationship with God. It’s about things like forgiveness and community building and welcoming your neighbor and caring for the vulnerable.

It’s not about being perfect and if you stumble you don’t get your insurance claim paid, and we get to do the personal responsibility happy dance.

Cripes I’m so over Jesus people these days. This just screams exploitation and grift to me. The marriage of faith and commerce is absolutely antithetical to real Christianity. Any sucker signing up for this is asking to get ripped off.

Does Jesus Really Want A $750,000 Church Marketing Campaign?

I am loathe to write another religion post, seeing how swimmingly it went the last time (/sarcasm) but this story was plastered all over the front of my daily fishwrap today, and I just had to say something.

For those of you who can’t get past the firewall, the story is about I Am Second Nashville, a marketing campaign featuring Nashville celebrities in slick, stylized videos talking candidly (“giving their testimony” in Christianese) about how their faith in God helped them overcome big challenges. It’s an offshoot of the I Am Second campaign launched in Dallas last year by Norman Miller, chairman of Interstate Batteries.

The Nashville campaign, the story says, will launch next year and cost a whopping $750,000. It will include billboards, radio and TV ads, and — of course! — there are companion books published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. Because there’s always a companion book, amiright? So, it’s sorta like those “Pass It On” ads by the Foundation For A Better Life, but with more Jesus, more consumerism, a bigger production budget, and a heckuva lot hipper.

And after reading about it and watching some of the videos I just think .. aagh. Here we go again. You know what? This kind of media-genic, cross-platform, consumer-oriented marketing campaign is exactly the kind of stuff that turns me off about the contemporary church. It made me sick to my stomach in my brief foray in Christian music, and it’s a huge turnoff to me now. The professional Christian media loves this stuff, though: I suspect because it makes them feel “hip” and “relevant” and shows they can “tackle the tough issues” and “be relatable.” But it all just seems a tad too contrived for me.

Long ago the contemporary church adopted the value set of secular pop culture; there seems to be this belief that if they just modeled themselves after that, they can stop the bloodletting in their congregations, change lives, make everything hunky dory, etc. etc.

I’ve watched a few of these videos (you can see some here), they’re well done and some of the stories are quite compelling, don’t get me wrong. But for my money, hearing people talk about their faith isn’t nearly as effective as seeing them act on it. I got more fuzzy-warm “God-is-good” feelings from that picture of NYPD Officer Larry DePrimo giving a homeless man a $75 pair of boots than I do from a $750,000 mega ad campaign for God. I have no idea what DePrimo’s faith is — he could be a Buddhist, atheist, or fundie Christian for all I know. But I don’t need to know.

And I guess that’s the nut of it. I’m okay with people having whatever kind of spirituality they want. I read that story about formerly homeless Iraq veteran Curtis Butler paying the utility bills of the other people in line with him at the Georgia Power office and I don’t need to know that God told him to do it (though for the record, Butler does credit his church with helping him overcome PTSD). I just like knowing there are good people out there in the world helping their neighbors. I kind of think that’s how God works in the world, an eternal, powerful energy flow of good, unbounded by time or space, that is a part of us and also separate from us. You can call it Jesus or your Guardian Angel or Karma or Yahweh or a Flying Spaghetti Monster of a lamp post: it doesn’t matter because it’s so much bigger than us, that what we call it is a mere human construct, and I sure don’t need crosses and swelling hymns and “Touched By An Angel” backlighting all around it. But I know it when I see it, I think we all do.

And by the way, I sure don’t want to be told I’m going to hell for thinking this way. A big part of this campaign is getting people eager to “learn more” and then bringing them into “small groups” for further indoctrination discussion. I wonder how that’s going to work. If you’re struggling with your gender identity, what is your small group going to do? That will be interesting.

Like the Republican Party, Evangelicals need to understand that the problem isn’t the medium, it’s the message. Stop hating on gay people. Stop telling people who don’t believe the same as you that they’re “not saved” and are outside God’s family. Stop telling women that if you have an abortion you will live a lifetime of searing emotional pain, but somehow carrying a fetus to term and giving up a baby for adoption leaves no psychic scars whatsoever. Stop telling people that all they have to do is accept Jesus and all of their problems go away, and any new problems that may arise are wonderful blessings, all part of His glorious plan to share your testimony in a glitzy $750,000 marketing campaign.

You know what? I think maybe my biggest problem with Evangelical Christianity is the “evangelism” part. Seriously, y’all? A $750,000 campaign? This is what Jesus wants for Christmas? It just doesn’t sit right with me.

We Didn’t Leave The Church, The Church Left Us

My daily fishwrap has a front page story on the demise of the Religious Right (I’ve linked to the same story in another, non-firewalled publication, just FYI.) I found the story interesting but it’s also nothing we haven’t talked about here for years.

So, check this out:

Al Mohler, president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky., and a national Religious Right leader, said the election was an “unmitigated disaster.”

He believes the country will become much more secular and look more like Europe. “It is going to be a chastening, humbling moment for American Christians to realize that we are going to be in the position across this country of speaking as a minority,” Mohler said. Today, about 1 in 5 Americans has no religious affiliation.

That doesn’t mean that the faithful will give up on politics or on trying to shape American culture to fit their values. But it does mean they need to pay more attention to the Bible and less to the GOP, said author and speaker Stephen Mansfield.

[...]

To remain relevant, Mansfield said, conservative Christians also have to learn how to express their views in a way that appeals to the general public, not just like-minded believers. They can’t just hold up the Bible and expect people to agree with them, he said.

No, that’s absolutely wrong. The problem is not the way you express your ideas. The problem IS your ideas. Many of which, let me point out, are not even Biblical, nor are they the church’s historical position. For example, back in the ’60s, evangelicals were pro-choice:

In 1968, Christianity Today published a special issue on contraception and abortion, encapsulating the consensus among evangelical thinkers at the time. In the leading article, professor Bruce Waltke, of the famously conservative Dallas Theological Seminary, explained the Bible plainly teaches that life begins at birth:

“God does not regard the fetus as a soul, no matter how far gestation has progressed. The Law plainly exacts: ‘If a man kills any human life he will be put to death’ (Lev. 24:17). But according to Exodus 21:22–24, the destruction of the fetus is not a capital offense… Clearly, then, in contrast to the mother, the fetus is not reckoned as a soul.”

The magazine Christian Life agreed, insisting, “The Bible definitely pinpoints a difference in the value of a fetus and an adult.” And the Southern Baptist Convention passed a 1971 resolution affirming abortion should be legal not only to protect the life of the mother, but to protect her emotional health as well.

I would love to get my hands on a copy of that vintage 1968 Christianity Today, wouldn’t you? I bet it’s been purged from the archive.

Isn’t that interesting, though, that what is considered a cornerstone of conservative Christianity today — being “pro life” — is a complete reversal of what the church believed 40 years ago? I find that fascinating. I guess, like Scott DesJarlais, conservative Christians have “evolved” on this issue. (Wait — I thought they didn’t believe in evolution?)

The church changed for political reasons, not theological ones. Until Jerry Falwell came along, Christians largely stayed out of politics — it was, in fact, a guiding principle of Southern Baptists and other denominations to not get involved in worldly things like lobbying Congress and launching boycotts and showing up on the evening news in a frothy lather over some imagined offense like a War on Christmas. Falwell changed all of that, and 40 years later the church finds itself no longer relevant. To think these two things aren’t somehow connected is ludicrous.

And before Al Mohler starts fearmongering again about European-style secularism destroying Christianity, he needs to read this old post of mine. I wrote it after another of his anti-Europe rants in 2009:

Mohler and his kind are most ignorant in their favorite tactic of using Western European countries as their warning of what’s in store for America if we don’t DO something, quick, like stop teaching evolution in public schools and outlaw abortion. These folks like to talk about how secular Western Europe is, all the tolerance for nasty things like teh gaii, but they fail to mention that many of their worst secular offenders (Scandinavian countries, for example) have a state religion!

This astonished me when I was in “secular, liberal” Norway last spring. In fact, it was just one year ago next week that the Norwegian government changed its constitution, so that the Lutheran Church is no longer the state religion.

Yes, that’s right, up until last year, every person born in “secular, liberal” Norway was automatically born a Lutheran. If you wanted to raise your kids Jewish, Muslim, Catholic, Baptist or atheist, you had to petition the government. Can you believe that?

The Norwegian government still finances the Lutheran Church, and until last year appointed church bishops. In other words, the government had authority over the church. Can you imagine? Can you imagine your tax dollars funding church salaries?

The surest way to kill a religion is to make it your state religion — to remove that wall of separation. A generation ago religious people in this country knew that, they knew the wall separating church and state protected the church from the state, as much as the other way around. But along came Jerry Falwell and the rest of the ignoramuses of the Moral Majority, and here they are.

I find it all incredibly, hilariously ironic.

Ye Shall Know Them By Their Fruits

Today’s WTF moment comes courtesy of the Mormon Church, which apparently owns a for-profit, unregulated online gun dealership:

KSL.com was criticised by the Mayor’s office for running classified adverts which allow individuals to buy and sell handguns and other firearms without proper background checks and no questions asked.

The site is owned by Deseret Media, the for-profit arm of the Church of the Latter Day Saints – also known as the Mormons – which has come to prominence recently as a result of the presidential run of member Mitt Romney.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg is a lead campaigner for the regulation of firearms which cause carnage on the streets of New York and across the country, recording an advert aired during Sunday’s Super Bowl calling for greater gun control.

A source who worked on his investigation into online gun sales said: “One would think that a church would feel a special obligation to make sure that they weren’t fuelling a black market for a particularly deadly form of commerce.”

Yes. One would think. But then, one would be wrong. Obligation, shmobligation. Profits are what matters! And if the church profits from death, violence and mayhem? What does the Bible have to say about that?

At a time when Protestant denominations like the Presbyterian Church-USA wrestle with divesting themselves of investments in companies profiting from Israel’s occupation of Palestine, I am absolutely stunned that a major denomination actually profits from unregulated gun sales. This is astonishing.

Reminds me of a scene from that awesome 1981 indie movie, “Ticket To Heaven,” based on the Moonies, when a cult depgrogrammer asks the main character, “Why does Heavenly Father need a munitions factory?”

Why indeed. Next time one of those Mormon mishie kids comes knocking on my door I think I’ll ask them. By the way, if you haven’t seen “Ticket To Heaven,” it’s a great film. Here’s a clip:

Blessed Are The Kickboxers For They Shall Kick Your Teeth In

Nothing says FAIL like Christians confusing the kickboxing ring with the mission field:

As if we needed any more evidence that the church as an institution has gone completely bonkers, I bring you “Fight Church.” The money quote from the above clip:

“The hope is through the fight I can create a relationship with the person I’m fighting and extend Christ to him.”

Er, no, honey. That’s just wrong. Look, I don’t have a problem with martial arts, I don’t think you’re a bad Christian for boxing, but this Fight Club Jesus stuff is not Biblical. It’s a figment of your twisted, fucked up church. Jesus did turn the other cheek. He did not turn a left hook or a roundhouse. Sorry you don’t like that, but them’s the facts.

Box all you want, but don’t pretend you’re spreading the word of the Lord in the process. You’re not. You are doing it wrong. Completely wrong.

Christianity is dead. It’s over. It’s an institution which has so lost its way, and is so desperate for relevance, its leaders latch onto any base human behavior in a desperate attempt to sell what no one is buying. Greed, violence, and war: yeah, there’s a church for that!

Helping the prostitute, the destitute, the immigrant? Not so much.

Den Of Robbers

It’s the oldest story in the book: the creepy televangelists who enjoy a life of indulgence while fleecing the faithful. Ah, greed masked by religious piety! Even Jesus walked among such con artists, and he was not amused:

“It is written,” he said to them, “‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it a ‘den of robbers.’” — Matthew 21:13

Today’s New York Times has an expose on the latest Christian charlatans, the obscenely wealthy Crouch family. You’ve probably seen them while flipping through the channels late at night: the perennially weepy Janice Crouch with her cotton-candy pink hair and Paul Crouch, who alway set my creep-o-meter into overdrive. Paul and Janice Crouch sit at the helm of Trinity Broadcasting Network, a global religious empire that might even rival Pat Robertson’s. They own the former Twitty City here Middle Tennessee and The Holy Land Experience Bible theme park in Orlando. The Crouches are the poster children for wringing all meaning and sincerity from Scripture, packaging this empty religion in a neat little box, and selling it like a bag of potato chips.

The Crouch family story is unfolding in the expected way, with family infighting, lawsuits, allegations of impropriety and fraud. What makes this story so juicy is that the person spilling the beans is the Crouch’s granddaughter Brittany Koper, who was TBN’s finance director. In return, the Crouches accuse Koper of embezzlement. Ain’t no feud like a family feud ‘cuz a family feud won’t quit, amiright?

Do head over to the Times to read this story. It needs to be turned into a Hollywood movie except I bet some critics would carp it’s too cliche. His-and-hers-mansions in California and Florida? A $49 million corporate jet? Nobody would believe such excess! Oh, but it gets better:

In 2008 and 2009, as Mrs. Crouch began remodeling Holy Land Experience, she rented adjacent rooms in the deluxe Loews Portofino Bay Hotel in Orlando — one for herself and one for her two beloved Maltese dogs and clothes, according to Mr. Clements and Ms. Koper. Mrs. Crouch rented the rooms for close to two years, they said.

Anyone who tries to buy a ticket to heaven by giving these people their money is an idiot. This is perhaps the only time you will see me agree with the arch-conservative Albert Mohler of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary:

“TBN has been a huge embarrassment to evangelical Christianity for decades.”

And I loved this part:

“Others may do things differently, and may criticize TBN for how it operates, its look, its doctrine and belief,” Mr. May said. “But what is absolutely clear is that TBN, with God’s grace, has succeeded where most others have failed.”

Really? I guess that depends on what your definition of “success” is.

These things are hard to predict but I expect this story will end much as they all do: with someone going to jail.

I’m Sure This Will Create Tons Of Jobs

Our Tennessee Republican lawmakers prove once again that they are unable to focus on anything that will actually make a difference to anyone. Now they’re wasting everyone’s time proposing a law that would authorize city and county governments to post the Ten Commandments.

And I have to say, of all the issues facing Tennessee right now, the Republicans have hit on another one that is very last on anyone’s list of priorities. So, way to go, folks. Still clueless about how to actually govern, but you’re great at yanking that chain which is connected directly to the wingnut amygdala.

Here’s my question for the Tennessee Republicans: Which version of the 10 Commandments should we post? The Roman Catholic and Lutheran version? The Protestant version? The Hebrew version? The one that actually contains 12, not 10? They’re all different, you know.

Will we post the one that says “Thou shalt not kill” or the one that says “Thou shalt not commit murder”? Pretty big difference, you know.

What about that whole Sabbath thing? Is it Sunday or Saturday? Since we’re supposed to keep it holy, shouldn’t we have that issue resolved before we start admonishing people about what to do on it?

Do you think it’s the government’s job to decide which version of the 10 Commandments is the “real” one? How would you Southern Baptists like it if President Obama just decided it for you. Would that work? I’m guessing not.

Here’s a handy chart showing some of the major differences among denominations. And this chart doesn’t even address the half of it when it comes to different interpretations of what the commandments actually say. But, for what it’s worth:

Think it doesn’t matter whether coveting your neighbor’s wife is forbidden in number eight or number seven? Wars have been fought over this stuff. Families have been torn apart, great schisms have occurred, the Reformation and revolutions. Do we want to reignite this debate? Does anyone seriously think the Anglican or Roman Catholic church wants to let the Southern Baptists decide which one is the right one?

Seriously, people? Are we really still having this conversation after how many centuries?

Here’s an idea for you religious folks: why don’t you all run off and put your pointy little heads together and figure this shit out. Once the Roman Catholics and the Jews and the Holy Rollers and the Southern Baptists and the Church of Christers and the Anglicans and the Presbyterians decide whose Scripture is the correct one, we can talk about posting it on taxpayer-funded buildings. Until then, STFU. We’ve got more important issues to worry about.

Goodbye Tim Tebow

My Twitter feed was full of rejoicing over Denver’s loss to the Patriots yesterday. That’s how much people despise Tim Tebow and his sanctimonious “uber-Christian” public prayers. That strikes me as pretty sad: if your display of religious faith is so over the top that it actually turns people off, you’re doing it wrong. But hey, Tebow won’t be tebowing anymore, at least not on our TeeVees, not until next season. Maybe we can all get over our damn selves in the meantime.

I saw this in yesterday’s New York Times and struck me as just wrong:

Decent people who are proud of their faith, do good things and succeed in life tend to irritate some of us; they remind us of our private failures, so, naturally, we hope they stumble. Spectacularly. Face-first into the mud.

Er, no. That’s tantamount to Mitt Romney’s “they’re just jealous” argument. Tim Tebow’s public faith displays don’t annoy me because they remind me he’s perfect and I’m not. They annoy me because they strike me as overwrought and self-important. I’m sure Tim Tebow loves his god and is being sincere, but publicly taking a knee every time something good happens at a game doesn’t put the spotlight on god, it puts the spotlight on Tim Tebow. Again: you’re doing it wrong.

This is the thing I really don’t get about evangelical Christianity: it’s so “me” centered. You see it in the modern worship songs that fill every mega church on Sundays:

Over the Mountains and the Seas,
Your river runs with Love for me,
And I will open up my heart
And let the healer set me free.

I’m happy to be in the truth
And I will daily lift my hands,
For I will always sing of when your love came down.

This isn’t a song about God, it’s a song about the singer. The words “I,” “me” and “my” appear more often than references to the Divine. (By the way for those who don’t know, these are the lyrics to “I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever,” probably the most performed modern worship song ever.) This is evangelical Christianity in a nutshell: But enough about God! Here’s what I think of God!

Also, I’m just curious but does Tebow tebow after losing a game or a missed pass, too? Shouldn’t he? Wouldn’t that be a true sign of humility and faith? A demonstration of “not my will but thine”? (Maybe he does do this, I honestly don’t know.)

C’mon, evangelicals. It’s really not supposed to be all about you. It’s supposed to be about God. And yet, you make it about you all the time. Everything is always about you. Your view of morality, your interpretation of the Bible, your faith. Or lack of faith: because if you folks had a shred of faith at all you wouldn’t be so damn worried about everything all the time, trying to control everything everyone else does and passing laws to make sure we all live the way you think we should. If you had faith you’d let God be in control. You’d trust in God — you know, like the money says we do? But no. Instead you try to control everyone and everything else, like you’re so special.

Like you’re God.

I really don’t care whether Tim Tebow or any athlete is religious or not. I do think there’s a big helping of hypocrisy in the public attention he’s received. If he were a Muslim and bowed to Mecca after every touchdown, would everyone think that’s so great? I’m thinking we’d hear people shrieking about Sharia football.

Anyway, this clip from Jimmy Fallon struck me as rather on point.

I Get Christmas Cards

I’m not quite sure how I got on Charlie Daniels’ Christmas card list, but every Christmas for the past 15 years or so I’ve gotten a card from the Daniels organization.

I have this story I tell people about Charlie Daniels and me, and it goes back to when I first arrived in Nashville, over 25 years ago. My first job was as a lowly little editorial assistant at a weekly entertainment trade magazine. I’d been on the job all of one week when for some reason they asked me to cover a press conference for Volunteer Jam, which some folks may remember as the big annual multi-artist music event Daniels staged in Nashville every year. It was a really big deal, and I’m not sure why I was sent to the press conference, except probably no one else was available and no doubt they just expected me to pick up the press kit with the list of that year’s artist lineup and sponsors, and then come back to the office to hand it over to one of the “real” reporters.

But of course this was my first press conference of any kind, ever. And what do reporters do at press conferences? They shout questions! Of course they do, that’s what they do in the movies, right? So instead of keeping my yap shut I shouted out to Charlies Daniels what I thought was an appropriate “question” for my entertainment trade magazine. With TV cameras rolling, and radio reporters holding up their mics, I shouted out to Charlie Daniels, “who is the promoter?!”

I mean hey, sounded like a good question to me, right?

And swear to God, Charlie Daniels looked at me, sneered, and said: “Yer not from around here, are ya?”

Swear. To. God. Could we be a bigger cliche of a Southern redneck asshole?

In my one week on the job I hadn’t yet learned that Charlie Daniels had an in-house promoter which produced every Volunteer Jam, and had been doing so for years. Ah well, then there is such a thing as a dumb question. My bad. But you didn’t have to be such a jerk about it, dude.

So fast forward a couple decades and I’m no longer a lowly editorial assistant, I’m writing for some bigger magazines and somehow they got my address and now I’m one of the thousands getting a Christmas card from the guy who so graciously welcomed me to Nashville so many years ago. Ain’t that a laugh.

Daniels’ Christmas cards have gotten more Jesus-y every year. This year, if you can read the message, he ends with, “May the peace of Almighty God rest on your home and family as we celebrate the Birthday of the Savior of Mankind.” It closes with a hearty, “Happy Birthday, Jesus!”

This is a huge pet peeve of mine, because December 25 is not Jesus’ birthday. The date is nowhere in the Bible, and such as the historical person Jesus existed, there is no record of his birth date. But December 25 is conveniently located on the calendar near the winter solstice and the Roman Feast of Saturnalia, so it’s pretty much accepted that December 25 was picked by the early Christian church to make it easier to convert pagans.

Mr. Beale says I’m being pedantic: no one knows Jesus’ actual birth date, so December 25 is the day we have picked to commemorate the event. But I certainly didn’t pick it. Why December 25? Why not March, that’s a month that really needs a holiday! Or, what about August? August really sucks, it’s insufferably hot and boring. It’s my least favorite month of the year. August could use a nice holiday, too.

Before you scoff, the magazine Biblical Archaeology Review says the early church actually suggested August or March as plausible dates for Jesus’ birth:

Finally, in about 200 C.E., a Christian teacher in Egypt makes reference to the date Jesus was born. According to Clement of Alexandria, several different days had been proposed by various Christian groups. Surprising as it may seem, Clement doesn’t mention December 25 at all. Clement writes: “There are those who have determined not only the year of our Lord’s birth, but also the day; and they say that it took place in the 28th year of Augustus, and in the 25th day of [the Egyptian month] Pachon [May 20 in our calendar]…And treating of His Passion, with very great accuracy, some say that it took place in the 16th year of Tiberius, on the 25th of Phamenoth [March 21]; and others on the 25th of Pharmuthi [April 21] and others say that on the 19th of Pharmuthi [April 15] the Savior suffered. Further, others say that He was born on the 24th or 25th of Pharmuthi [April 20 or 21].”2

The fact that the Bible and the early church record is not at all specific about the date of Jesus’ birth just shows you how unimportant the event was. The big day was always, always Easter. You know, the Resurrection? The Passion? The Bible is very specific about when Easter is celebrated, it’s tied to the Jewish holiday of Passover. For hundreds of years the Christian church could care less about when Jesus was born; it was when he died that mattered. The American Protestant church holds a similar tradition: I have friends born and raised in the Church of Christ (a very conservative Southern Protestant denomination) who tell me when they were growing up, things like Christmas trees were a no-no. You might have a small acknowledgment of the day, but really the Big Deal was always Easter.

So what happened? Well, of course, America’s True Religion – consumerism – asserted its primacy over the faith tradition. It’s kinda hard to consumerize torture and a crucifixion (though lord knows they are doing a masterful job of changing that over at Free Market Jesus Central.) But all of those pagan traditions associated with the solstice — lights, trees, gift-giving, etc. — well let’s just lump those in with Christmas and call it a holiday, shall we? And now we even have a War On Christmas, because if consumerism is our first religion, then surely war is our second. It’s just all so perfect. Or, as the good folks at the Christian Left put it:

And if this seems sacrilegious, well don’t get me started on that whole myth of the “virgin birth” thing. That is a product of a translation error, which turned the Hebrew word for “young woman” into the Greek word for “virgin.” Woopsies.

So with that, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, glorious Solstice, wonderful Kwanzaa or just have a good, relaxing weekend. Whatever floats your boat, because life’s too short to worry about which December holiday is the baddest ass on the block.

I’m kind of busy this week, so blogging may be lighter than usual … or not, you know me. I can’t quit you. Just keep it merry, everyone!