What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

A gun range in Oklahoma City wants to be the first to have a liquor license. Congratulations, owners of Wilshire Gun. You are our Second Amendment Heroes of the week.

Do I have to show you people my Bill of Rights For Dumbasses video again?

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Good News Friday

Some good news to kick off the weekend. Catch y’all later.

• Bank of America will refund customers $727 million and pay an additional $45 million in fines over illegal credit card practices, like deceiving customers into signing up for identity theft and credit monitoring services, going back to the year 2000.

Assholes.

• Private employers are not, in fact, dropping their employee insurance benefit as Republicans fearmongered they would. In fact, according to a Rand survey, the number of people getting employer-sponsored insurance has surged.

• Related: Well, well! Not everyone is running away from Obamacare. Check out this ad for U.S. Senator Mark Begich, D-Alaska:

• A San Antonio, Texas, district court has dismissed a complaint made by noted liar and assclown James O’Keefe against grassroots voter registration group Battlground Texas, with the special prosecutor saying this of O’Keefe’s “evidence”:

The special prosecutor’s report ultimately found the content of O’Keefe’s video to be “little more than a canard,” and “particularly unprofessional.”

This is standard for O’Keefe’s laughably-named “Project Veritas,” which has become little more than a credibility destroyer for anyone stupid enough to fall for their tricks. Also: has anyone traced who’s funding this lie factory?

• Students at Washington University in St. Louis have staged protests and sit-ins to pressure the university into cutting ties with Peabody Energy, the world’s top private coal corporation. Read about it here and here.

• A Federal judge has ruled that MoveOn.org’s billboard criticizing Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for not expanding Medicaid can stay put.

• SCOTUS declined to hear an appeal from a wedding photographer who refused to shoot a same-sex wedding.

• President Obama signed two Executive Orders that will help female workers discover if they are victims of wage discrimination.

• Maryland lawmakers raised the minimum wage to $10.10/hour by 2018 and decriminalized possession of less than 10 grams of pot.

• The Mexican town of San Luis Rio gets its river back — albeit briefly.

• The U.S. Post Office will issue a Harvey Milk stamp in May.

• A Bay Area jogger who was nearly mowed down in a crosswalk by a motorist found a note of apology taped the utility pole by that crosswalk the next day. Y’all that is just so California.

• IKEA has made its first major investment in wind energy in the U.S. by purchasing the Hoopeston wind farm in Illinois. When the energy producer goes on-line in 2015 it is expected to generate 380 GWh of electricity annually, or 130% of the electricity used by IKEA’s U.S. stores and 10% of its global electricity usage.

• Talk about snail mail: a fisherman found a 100-year-old message in a bottle in the Baltic Sea.

• The FDA has issued labeling guidelines for honey. This is great news because I’m pretty sure I’ve bought some stuff that’s sweetened with corn syrup even though the label said honey. It just had that funky corn-syrupy taste and that I do not want!

• The Archbishop of Atlanta is selling his brand-new $2.2 million mansion after receiving criticism for his lavish spending.

• A Federal judge in Ohio ruled the state must recognize legal same-sex marriages performed out of state, saying failure to do so is unconstitutional.

Good News, Tennessee Edition:

• The National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis celebrated its grand reopening following a $28 million renovation.

• Zoey the pet goat can stay in Nashville’s Woodbine neighborhood, where she enjoyed “neighborhood mascot” status before running afoul (ahem) of Metro Animal Control officers.

• The Koch Bros.’ Americans For Prosperity got handed a rare defeat in the Tennessee House when their school board lobbying bill died.

• Bittersweet: the people of Elizabethton have rallied to support the newspaper carriers and newspaper employees who were laid off after the town’s newspaper, the Elizabethton Star, was purchased by an out of state chain and the inevitable layoffs began. The paper had been family-owned for 59 years.

This week’s cool video: It’s a hilarious campaign ad for Melissa Blackburn, a Democrat running for General Sessions Judge in Nashville. I confess, I’ve had a hard time getting past the “Blackburn” thing myself. But this had me cracking up:

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Lost In Spaces

Oh, hello. Can someone tell me what day it is? You see, I’ve been underground for so long, I seem to have lost all track of time.

Seriously, TriStar could not have built a more sprawling, confusing, pathetically-lacking-in-wayfinding medical complex than its Nashville headquarters, Centennial. I got hopelessly lost on my way to my annual “X-ray the titties” ordeal and then afterwards toured the poorly-lit parking garage for a full 40 minutes trying to find my car. I was finally rescued by a valet. I’d probably still be down there if I hadn’t run into him. And it wasn’t just me! There were two other women down there trying vainly to find their cars, as well.

I mean, there’s an entire army of lost souls down there, wandering around like they’re searching for Charon to ferry them across the river Styx. Metro Police could probably solve all sorts of missing persons cases if they took a quick trip down there. I’m serious! This was truly the fifth circle of hell. WTF, people?

You want some insult added to that injury? How about this: somewhere along my journey I stumbled across a marble wall with that insufferable Frist family quote, “Good people beget good people,” emblazoned in ginormous silver letters. Savvy liberals will remember this as the title of the family genealogy Bill Frist penned. It got repeatedly hijacked in the Amazon “reviews” section by people offended at the quote’s pomposity, and the fact that then-Senate Majority Leader Frist was making an ass of himself by video-diagnosing Terri Schiavo and helping lead Americans into Iraq. (By the way, the faux reviews are still there.)

“Good people beget good people”? Really? How about, good people know how to design a fucking medical complex so that good people don’t lose two hours of their lives just trying to get to and from their damn appointments. Fuck you, Bill Frist.

I’ve been to a lot of medical complexes in my life, from coast to coast, and have never seen anything as poorly designed as this one.

Major fail.

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Tennessee Gun Report

We had three accidental shootings this week, plus a whole passel of gun cray. In light of yesterday’s action by the state Senate to approve open carry/no permits required, public safety has just taken a turn for the worse here.

Here’s your weekly gun report:

• April 8, 2014:

A Nashville man came home from work to find a burglar inside his house. He detained the man until police arrived, and he didn’t even need a gun to do it. Amazing. NRA talking point FAIL.

Here’s the thing I don’t get with you gun loons: your only argument is, “I have a right to protect myself and my property,” ergo you need to keep your guns with you at all times and in all places. But you never explain why the only way you can protect yourself and your property is by killing someone. Stealing your flat-screen TV is not, at this juncture, a death penalty offense. And there are a whole bunch of ways that people can protect themselves without a firearm.

There are way too many tragedies because someone went off half-cocked and blew an innocent person away under the mistaken idea that they were protecting themselves. Thinking of Ronald Westbrook, Johran McCormick, Carl and Garrick Hopkins, this unnamed 14-year-old Colorado girl, and, of course, Trayvon Martin. The people who chose to use deadly force where it wasn’t warranted will have to live with their tragic mistake for the rest of their lives. You can’t bring dead people back.

At some point we’re going to have to decide what we value more: peoples’ lives or their property.

• April 7, 2014:

1- Greeneville, represent! Congratulations to 62-year-old Donnie Franklin, who accidentally shot himself in the calf while “messing around” with a .25 caliber gun. You are Greeneville’s 7th accidental shooting in the past 12 months.

Y’all are waaay too tiny a town for this much GunFAIL. Just sayin’.

2- A Chattanooga couple decided to shoot up every single room in their house, including their childrens’ toys and their furniture, trying to eradicate imaginary lizards and snakes. Yes, meth was involved. At some point a neighbor collected the couple’s children and took them out of harm’s way. I don’t think they’ll be seeing those kids for a while.

3- A road rage incident in Murfreesboro resulted in one driver pulling a gun and pointing it at the head of another driver.

4- Also in Murfreesboro, some men who crashed a party and started smoking in the host’s apartment turned violent when they were asked to smoke outside. They attacked residents and one pulled out a handgun and started firing.

5- And again in Murfreesboro: shots were fired at the Haynes Manor Apartments, though no injuries were reported. However, children live in the apartment directly above the one that was shot at.

Murfreesboro regularly appears in the Gun Report (and the daily news) for gun violence and gun lunacy. The sheer number of shootings happening down there on a daily basis is alarming. Again: wtf, people?

• April 6, 2014:

1- A Davidson County man accidentally shot his wife in the leg while trying to shoot an “aggressive pit bull.” Yes, that would be the definition of “fail.”

2- A North Chattanooga man fired seven rounds into another man’s door “to scare him.” Just as the Founders intended.

• April 4, 2014:

1- The Monteagle police chief accidentally shot and killed his friend while turkey hunting.

2- This story has gone underreported in the Tennessee press: four Greene County teenagers have been captured in South Carolina with nine guns (including an AK-47) and over 200 rounds of ammo. They were wanted in connection with the fatal shooting of Greene County’s Robert J. Blanchard, father of one teen involved in the shooting. Two of the kids are age 15, the others 16 and 17. And I think WTF where did kids this age get their hands on this kind of arsenal and also, y’all can shut up now about rural American being so much better than big cities.

Holy hell.

3- Time to check in with the TSA blog! Well, lookie here:

Agents found a live flash bang grenade in a checked bag at the Memphis airport. Also in Memphis, a loaded .45 caliber handgun with a round chambered was found in a traveler’s carry-on bag on March 29. Meanwhile, a traveler forgot about his or her loaded 9mm left in their carry-on at the Nashville airport on April 3.

I repeat: you lose the right to call yourself a responsible gun owner when you forget where the hell you left your guns. End, full stop.

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TN Senate Approves Open Carry, No Permit Required

So, this just happened:

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) – The state Senate has passed a bill to allow Tennesseans to openly carry guns without a state-issued permit.

The chamber voted 25-2 in favor of the bill sponsored by Republican Sen. Mae Beavers of Mt. Juliet.

Beavers said the measure would keep the background checks and training requirements in order to carry concealed firearms, but would allow anyone legally allowed to own a gun to carry it openly.

I’ve been compiling my weekly list of gun loonery and accidental shootings for tomorrow’s Tennessee Gun Report post. We have two three accidental shootings this week, one fatal, which is about the average: we tend to get two a week across the state — at least, those are the ones that are reported in the news media. Most responsible evah, etc. etc. Say it often enough, that still doesn’t make it true.

So, is the Tennessee Senate ensuring the rest of us are at least financially protected from the personal and property damage caused by idiots who can’t take off their pants without accidentally shooting something? Or can’t load a Christmas tree in the back of their truck without shooting themselves? Or can’t clean their guns without accidentally shooting a person eating breakfast in an entirely different room?

Of course not. Because we can throw all sorts of road blocks up to block people trying to vote, or exercise their freedom of religion that’s not Christian-flavored, but the Second Amendment is somehow different from all of those other ones. Somehow that’s the one that Tennessee politicians are just too chicken shit to touch.

So congratulations ALEC, Walmart and Koch Bros.! You got this one. I hope you reap every single ounce of bad karma you deserve for this bone-headed move.

The only solution to this, I fear, is public mocking and shaming. When I see one of these loons walking around with his gun proudly on display, I plan to offer my condolences about his penis. I may start traveling with a box of adult diapers, and hand them out to any one of these scaredy-cats who can’t leave the house without his security blanket. Or how about just asking them, “what the hell is wrong with you?”

Absolutely insane.

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Today’s IOKIYAR

Nope, no War On Women here:

PelosiSABO

Honestly, after all of the ginned-up fauxtrage the right has spewed over comparatively tame comments made by the likes of Melissa Harris-Perry, David Letterman, and even President Obama himself (“OMG! He said Trayvon Martin could’ve been his son! WELL I NEVER!”), the above should result in non-stop Fox News outrage, right? Calls for apologies and boycotts?

But of course it won’t, because IOKIYAR, and feminazis, and socialism, etc. etc.

Oh, and meet “the artist” here.

(h/t, Ana Marie Cox)

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Good News Friday

Lots of good news this week and I’m going to be out of pocket most of the day so enjoy and behave yourselves!

• Married same-sex couples now qualify for Medicare benefits.

• A UN court has halted Japan’s annual whale hunt, saying it’s “not done for scientific purposes.”

• After their daughter’s wedding was called off at the last minute, Atlanta’s Carol and Willie Fowler donated the reception to the homeless:

Fowler had this message for other families:

“Events are canceled, and sometimes for unknown reasons. Do no allow that opportunity to go to waste. Call up your favorite charity. Give them an opportunity to use that for people that will not have an opportunity, perhaps in life.”

Awesome. Apparently this happened last fall but it’s just now hit my radar.

• A Saudi Arabian college student injured in the Boston marathon bombings has sued Glenn Beck for defamation. Beck repeatedly claimed on the air that Abdulrahman Alharbi was linked to the bombings, even criticizing federal authorities for not pursuing this false lead.

It’s about damn time people started suing these assholes for the lies they spread.

• Archaeologists in Egypt have found a 3,3000-year-old tomb that once had a 23-foot-high pyramid.

• New dwarf planets were discovered in Pluto’s neighborhood, and astronomers named one Joe Biden for some weird reason.

• They’ve found water on one of Saturn’s moons.

• A 10-year-old California girl traveled to the Vatican to beg our hippie pope to save her dad from being deported and amazingly it worked.

• The new CEO of software giant Mozilla resigned after his anti-gay views and support for California’s Prop 8 sparked backlash from dating sites like OKCupid and web developers.

• While still below its peak levels, membership in the UAW grew slightly last year.

• West Virginia Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin vetoed the legislature’s 20-week abortion ban, calling it unconstitutional.

• Willie Nelson got his armadillo back.

• For the first time in 10 years, an entire month passed with zero U.S. troops dying in combat.

• Paris elected its first-ever female mayor. And she’s a socialist, too — a real one, not a made-up one.

• The mayor of Kansas City, Mo., has launched a Women’s Empowerment initiative called WE, designed not just to help women-owned businesses get city contracts but more importantly to increase the number of women on city commissions and boards.

• A federal appeals court has backed two San Francisco gun ordinances, one banning hollow-point bullets and one requiring firearms to be stored in a locked container or use trigger locks.

• Obamacare has led to the largest expansion in health coverage for Americans in the past 50 years, with more than 9.5 million previously uninsured people getting coverage.

• Congratulations to Gabrielle Turnquist, a Florida 18-year-old who is the youngest person to pass the UK’s bar exam.

Good News, Tennessee Edition:

• The Kingsport Police Dept. is using a Nissan Leaf for its codes enforcement vehicle.

• Tennessee death row inmate Nickolus Johnson has been granted a stay of execution.

• A bill that would have allowed for-profit entities to operate charter schools in Tennessee was killed.

This week’s video: Check out this pistol-packing hockey player. I ask you: who the fuck is so stupid they are actually wearing a dang gun while they’re playing hockey? Either this guy took one too many pucks to the head, or the whole thing is a hoax.

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