Things That Aren’t In The Bible

1- The Lord Helps Those That Help Themselves
Guess what, it’s not there! We have Benjamin Franklin to thank for this ditty, not Scripture. In fact, the Bible actually teaches the opposite: “He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool.” Proverbs 28:26

2- God Bless America
This one should be obvious but I think some folks need to be reminded of it every now and then.

3- God Hates Fags
Sorry, “Rev.” Phelps. Hate to disappoint you. The real “sodomy,” according to Ezekiel 16:49: 
“Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” Got that?

4- The Rapture
The word doesn’t appear in the Bible, nor does the whole “Left Behind” scenario peddled by hucksters like Tim LaHaye. The rapture doctrine is the creation of a handful of 19th century British evangelists, including Edward Irving and John Darby. Both were heavily influenced by a 15 year old Scottish girl named Margaret McDonald, who in 1830 saw visions of a rapture while in a fevered state due to a severe illness.

5- Abortion
If you’re going to interpret certain Scriptures as being against abortion (“Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee” is a popular one, although this passage relates specifically to the birth of the prophet Jeremiah), then you’re also going to have check out Ecclesiastes 4:1-3 and 6:3-5, which says it’s better to never have been born–the Bible specifically states “miscarriage”– than to live a life of suffering and poverty.

6- Creation Story
OK, this isn’t entirely true: of course there is a creation story in the Bible. In fact, there are three. There’s the whole “And God said let there be light …” thing, there’s the whole Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden story, and then there’s the New Testament’s version, “In the beginning was the Word …” So next time your Fundie in-law tries to tell you she believes in the Biblical creation story, ask her which one.


Filed under Bible

20 responses to “Things That Aren’t In The Bible

  1. >Re #1: I know the inspiration for Ben Franklin’s aphorism has got to be in there somewhere. I’ll get back to you on that soon as I have time to read the thing all the way through…

  2. >That’s a good one, MJ! “Family of crackpots” is right — virtually his entire “congregation” are members of his extended family.I sure as hell hope they don’t get a tax exemption.

  3. >Re #1: I know the inspiration for Ben Franklin’s aphorism has got to be in there somewhere. No dear, but do read the entire thing because you’ll find all sorts beautiful words to live by, none of which support the YOYO conservative philosophy (You’re On Your Own). My favorite is from John 21: “The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.”Three times Jesus says “Feed my sheep.” That kinda says it all.

  4. >Isaiah 25:4: For You have been a defense for the helpless, a defense for the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat.Romans 5:6: For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.Then there’s Prov 28:26 He who trusts in himself is a fool.I haven’t read the whole thing, just the New Testament in Greek. This odious fake bible quotation is generally ascribed to the Book of Hezekiah, which, of course, doesn’t exist.Benjamin Franklin did say this, but it’s a good bet he was expressing his theological deism, not trying to provide an excuse for tight-ass morons to ignore the least of their brethren.If you want to buy the Raygun vodka-guzzling, caddie-driving welfare queen bullshit canard, and delude yourself that you actually are somehow self-made, just shut up about it and let human beings try to remember to take care of each other. When the Rapcha gets your self-righteous ass, I’ll get your stuff, and your cash, and I’ll share it with everybody.

  5. > When the Rapcha gets your self-righteous ass, I’ll get your stuff, and your cash, and I’ll share it with everybody.Ummm …. MJ … the Rapture ain’t in the Bible either!!!!!:-)

  6. >No shit? I thought it’s in the Book of Tim? I can hope, can’t I? Think of all those suddenly driverless urban assault vehicles that could be beaten into ploughshares or made into planters.Meanwhile, I think what the gouty, philandering Founding Father really meant was ‘Trust in Allah, He is great. But tie up your camel.’

  7. >Of course, there’s the la Manchan view of how well people do at helping themselves:Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse.Miguel de Cervantes Or, you know, like Reverend Ike says: ‘You can’t lose, lose, lose with the stuff I use.’ If you’ve got the balls to tell God He owes you a Cadillac, He gives you that Cadillac.Because God loves you more and more the more selfish and self-aggrandizing you are. And I know that’s got to be in the Bible, in the Book of Manifest Destiny and the White Man’s Burden.

  8. >On the flipside I ilke to suggest to those who credit Jesus with “Love thy neighbor as thyself” that they really ought to read Leviticus sometime. But that’s another issue.

  9. >Uh, Jesus was asked about the Law, meaning the scriptures, by somebody trying to make Him look bad, and He was quite obviously quoting Leviticus when he stated the second of the two ‘great’ commandments. This kind of parallelism and foreshadowing is extremely common in the Bible.

  10. >Here’s a couple that Jesus actually said: “Judge not lest ye be judged.” “How can you complain about the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and ignore the plank in your own eye?” If that’s not enough for the holier-than-thou types to hold their peace, how about, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

  11. >Re: #1. What Fnork might be thinking of is the “Parable of the Talents”. It’s basically Jesus saying that, if you have money, you should invest it and make a profit! Indeed, if you are not aggressively investing your money to make a profit, your money should be taken away and given to rich people.I kid you not.Needless to say, this parable is very popular among the rich Republican crowd.

  12. >The Parable of the Talents is a good example of how the Bible can be reinterpreted to fit a specific agenda. It could just as easily be interpreted to be an admonishment against being miserly.

  13. >Well, curiously enough I have to give myself a dope slap, because just the other day I WAS in fact reading the good book and highlighted a passage in 1 Thessalonians 4; 10-12 that fits the bill, which I just recalled:”We urge you, brothers, to progress even more, and to inspire to live a tranquil life, to mind your own affairs, and to work with your (own) hands, as we instructed you, that you may conduct yourselves properly toward outsiders and not depend on anyone.”Now granted, that was Paul speaking, not Jesus, but I thoroughly believe that Jesus had little patience with moochers and likewise would not support enabling them.Speaking of dope slaps, methinks a lot of this discussion has far more to do with trying to bash conservatives than it does with figuring out the right thing to do…

  14. >Fnork, I am really glad you are reading the Good Book but you might want to read the whole of chpt. 4 of Thessalonians, not cherry-pick those passages you think support your arguments. Thessalonians says how we live matters to God. For example, the line preceding the one you quote, Thess 4:9: “On the subject of mutual charity you have no need for anyone to write you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another.” This isn’t about bashing conservatives, it’s about what the Bible teaches us. We are indeed our brother’s keeper, we are here to love one another and care for one another. “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” is not a Christian doctrine, it is a capitalist one. Those who use Scripture to support their YOYO social theories are just flat-out wrong.I’m sorry if you feel bashed, I can’t control other commenters although I try to be respectful, as your hostess. But the Bible is pretty clear on this point, no matter how much some folks wish it were otherwise.

  15. >Thanks for the sympathy, Bealesie, but I don’t feel personally bashed and I’m all for slugging it out on blog sites rather than interpersonally. However, I believe the charity to which you refer and handing money to panhandlers are two different things. To get back to the original issue, you don’t help any addict by giving them cash. I am all for “Christian” charity, love, etc… but that is not the way to put it into practice.

  16. >To get back to the original issue, you don’t help any addict by giving them cash. I am all for “Christian” charity, love, etc… but that is not the way to put it into practice.Now, I didn’t say we had to give anyone cash, hon. In fact, I said in yesterday’s post that I personally do not give money to panhandlers. But I did say the “don’t give” message is a dangerous one. I said we needed to care for our brothers and sisters. Maybe in lieu of cash, some kind of taxpayer funded drug program for low-income people? Maybe? Not that it would solve the world’s problems but it would be a start.

  17. >Or, you know, tell the reprobates to just say yo, I meant no. I always give money to panhandlers. It’s not my business how they spend the money. There but for the grace etc., which isn’t in the Bible but it should have been. Nobody’s begging because that’s what they said they wanted to be when they grew up. The human race is in it for the duration, and it wasn’t in the Bible, but it should have been, and John Donne seemed to know what he was talking about: No man is an island. Christianity enjoins me to share what I have. I take this seriously, and I wouldn’t think of judging, in the face of somebody less fortunate.I’d certainly draw the line at millions of federal bucks going to recidivist convicted criminals like Chuck Colson. But Scam artists are scam artists, unless they resonate with the base and have a Nixonian connection.This all sounds so Mosaic, like the penalty is stiffer if the rabbi’s ox is gored, instead of the ox of the schlub begging on the street, whose ox don’t mean shit.

  18. >Amazing! Sodom etc. were the only cities that ignored the poor – out of thousands of other cities in history that ignored the poor – that God instantly destroyed! I suppose you think that the word “Sodom” is related to “anti-poor” more than it is related to “sodomy” and that Romans 1 is concerned only with “anti-poor” persons. Amazing! Louise

  19. >#1 – That’s interesting, I didn’t realize that. It may then also be interesting to those who utilize such a quote that Benjamin Franklin (while a staunch deist), was a frequent participant in the meetings of the “Hell-Fire Club” which is often considered to be the first American Satanist group…Per the Parable of the Talents,It’s basically Jesus saying that, if you have money, you should invest it and make a profit! Indeed, if you are not aggressively investing your money to make a profit, your money should be taken away and given to rich people.Not quite. Jesus was more likely telling his disciples to spread the “Good News” and grow his church his after his death instead of burying the teachings he’d given them. That interpretation is bolstered by the fact that the story follows the parable of the ten virgins which is also generally believed to be a discussion of the end times. Perhaps clearer still is that moral as told in the strikingly similar Parable of the Minas from Luke, in which the lord of the servants is not simply “a man” who goes away and then comes back “after a long time.” but rather a prince who visits a far off land in order to become king.