>Christmas Crab

>I really hate Christmas this year. I just want to fucking get it over with already.

I don’t know why I’m not in the Christmas spirit: we’ve already had a couple days of snow, the weather is crisp, I’ve baked brownies from scratch — twice. We’ve even been to a Christmas concert. On top of that, we were in New York City for a few days and nobody does Christmas like New York. I’m just not into it this year. Mr. Beale says it’s the economy, people are just down. He doesn’t feel the Christmas spirit either.

Truth is, I haven’t been into it for a couple years. Christmas is messy. It’s just more work, as far as I’m concerned. I’ll be vacuuming up pine needles from the damn tree until June, and every day I’m cleaning up broken ornaments.

The animals are denuding the tree horribly; the Christmas carnage numbers at over a dozen ornaments at this point, even though we were careful to put only non-breakable ones on the bottom branches. But one of the cats has figured out that she can get a bunch of ornaments down by pulling on the lights. After the cats are bored with the ornaments they leave them for the dogs, who turn them into chew toys. Perhaps the most alarming part of this whole scenario is realizing the cats are colluding with the dogs. This won’t end well.

And then the Christmas Nazis don’t help, the folks wearing their “Merry CHRISTmas” buttons (yeah, saw one of those at a recent office holiday party). Last week I heard a woman tell a clerk angrily, “And MERRY CHRISTMAS to you!” after being told “Happy Holidays.” Oh for God’s sake. You really think Jesus wants you using his birthday as a fucking battleground? Get over yourselves.

You know what I don’t get? Those people who decorate their cars. I can handle the reindeer antlers on the window and red nose on the grill, but some people don’t know when to quit. I saw someone who had a little Christmas tree, greenery and lights on the luggage rack of their SUV. Ridiculous.

Nashville people are big on decorating. Maybe it’s a Southern thing, I don’t really know. They’ll hang eggs from trees for Easter, and now those giant inflatable Easter bunnies have started showing up on peoples’ front lawns. I blame Wal-Mart, I figure that’s where people buy this crap.

Anyway, I’m really just over all of it. These people who are so militant about their religion being the ONE AND ONLY TRUE religion are the same folks eager trivialize the sacred with cheap crap made out of Chinese toxic waste. I really have no time for you people.

I’ll be glad when Christmas is over and I can put the ornaments back in their box and haul the tree to the recycling drop off and shove all of the boxes back in the closet where they belong.

For those of you who may have missed it, this is hilarious:

<td style='padding:2px 1px 0px 5px;' colspan='2'Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Gretchen Carlson & Christian Nation CHRIST-mas Tree<a>
The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> March to Keep Fear Alive


Filed under rants, War On Christmas

15 responses to “>Christmas Crab

  1. >yup – yet-another opportunity to get huffed and harrumphed at by the family for (still) being jobless.Xmas has been nothing but another source of depression for me for years; being jobless for two in a row now is just the icing on the cake (There's nothing like being shitcanned the week before Thanksgiving).

  2. >Well, there's one more reason not to have animals in the same domicile with people.Not that I needed one.You sure are grumpy – yikes! Maybe this will cheer you up.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzXKWKaxt3cMerry Holidays!JzB

  3. >You're just having a BURNOUT Christmas. You need some old-time Christmas music like Bing Crosby or a choir, and a nice fire. Have a dinner party. Mull some wine. Send out some nice cards to people who don't expect it. Go caroling. Visit the nursing home with your dogs. Read lesser known Dickens Christmas stories. Score a collection of "Winnie the Pooh" or "The Chronicles of Narnia" on Barnes and Noble. Buy some toys or a bike for the little ones in your life. Buy something for yourself like Klipschorn loudspeakers and a new amp and a sound card with a breakout box for your computer. Beatles are on Itunes. There's no excuse! Allman Brothers. Bob Dylan. Go to one of the Christmas concerts at a big church with organ and orchestra.

  4. >Thanks for the true "American" XMAS spirit!I love it.May I borrow it?Love you,SOh for God’s sake. You really think Jesus wants you using his birthday as a fucking battleground? Get over yourselves.

  5. >… or, to really cheer you up, read an anthology of Captain Fogg posts.

  6. >Well, I had a dose of food poisoning yesterday, so I think a lot of my bad Christmastude stemmed from that.Sorry if I harshed everyone's mellow.

  7. >I wasn't able to find much Christmas spirit for three years running — and then this year, I've got it again.Maybe yours is still packed in that one box of Christmas stuff that it seemed pointless to open, under the snowman dishtowels or something.Good luck finding it this year or next year, or maybe it'll find you.hope yours turns out right merry, despite the crabby runup

  8. >Everybody gets the blues sometime … and the dark of the winter is prime time for it ……whenever hypocrits get all JesusChristMassy on me, I just snap back with his beatitudes: feed the hungry, heal the sick, etc.And whip the moneylenders!It makes me happy to remember that, according to the bible, Jesus was a Jewish Communist

  9. >This is absolutely true: There is a house on my street that has as Christmas ornaments a giant plastic inflatable Pooh in a Santa hat, a giant plastic inflatable snowman, and a giant plastic inflatable Santa Claus on a hammock between two palm trees hoisting a margarita.And a sign that says "Keep Christ in Christmas."

  10. >Jill:OMG …. you have GOT to get a picture of that!

  11. >I remember thinking, as a wee lad, that Tiny Tim was an idle layabout and that Mr. Scrooge was to be admired rather than vilified."Why," I thought, "it's high time for the poor and the jobless to quit their mewling and carping about how the other 1% lives, suck it up and pull themselves up by their bootstraps (those lacking boots might use their achilles tendons in lieu of the former).".It was, in my mind, a damnably liberal defect of character to blame those who in fact PROVIDE the working poor with their work–out of selfless christian love–for the fact that these lazy sluggard like Bob Cratchitt were raising families that they could not afford to keep.Well, then I got homelessed and joblessed a few times and my politicoeconomic epiphany dawned on me. I now see where Scrooge was wrong. I don't wanna go losin' my shit over this, but that Shakespeare line about the lawyrers? I say let's start with the CEO's!!

  12. >Well, I'm a bit late to the party,but there's this uplifting story: http://gawker.com/5715396/crazy-christians-shoot-santas-head-off

  13. >nanute:That was weird. The guy was wearing a "Coexist" shirt — that's the religious tolerance group. I wonder if this was a hoax?

  14. >Southern Beale:I think the coexist symbol is crossed out. These maroons also had a post of Santa nailed to a cross. I can't find the link, but it's out there somewhere. No hoax, me thinks.

  15. >AH you may be right. It was hard to tell. Well, at least their message is consistent.