Birds Do It, Bees Do It

Oh for crying out loud. You want to know what we can learn from Weinergate? I’ll tell you: that human beings are highly sexual creatures, every last one of us. Human beings like to screw. We like to do it boy on girl, boy on boy, and girl on girl. We do it in pairs and in groups and with animals, wearing body condoms and hanging from the rafters, all by ourselves and with inanimate objects. We do it in private and in public, we record it for viewing later, we send it out on the internet for all the world to see, we do it for money and we do it just for fun. Fat, thin, old, young, brown, white, yellow and every color combination in between: humans are sexual animals and man do we like to get it on!

So can we please just stop pretending to be shocked by it all? Can we please stop with the “well I never heard anything so outrageous!” Come on, cut the crap. I don’t care if you live in a big city or small town, there’s a big sexytime going on where you live and you damn well know it. You may not be involved in it, but you damn well know it’s going on.

Let’s just stop pretending that political sexytime is somehow different from any other kind of sexytime, okay? Do you think there isn’t a Sunday school teacher out in Bumfug, Iowa, who hasn’t been fooling around with his charges? Why yes, there is. Anyone believe there isn’t a car salesman in Jesus Central, Tennessee who won’t offer you a better deal for a blow job? Why yes! There is! You think some pillar of the community in Boondocks, Massachusetts isn’t abusing his position for sex? Funny you should ask!

You know what all of these stories tell us? Humans are driven by sex. And we’ll do really stupid things for it. Sometimes illegal things. And it doesn’t matter who you are, where you work, or where you live: the sexual imperative is the same. And we all know it!

You know what annoys me? When people throw their hands in the air and say the outrage-du-jour reminds us that all politicians are corrupt scumbags. Um .. and the rest of the world is so different how, exactly? Hello? We didn’t send robots to Washington to represent us, we sent fallible human beings who’d be failing you in the same way at home if they had a different job.

So the first person who tells me that Weinergate is all about morally corrupt politicians and “liberal values” versus good, honest small town, red state values is really gonna get it. Because I’ve lived in a small town — several of them, actually. And trust me, you want some wild sexytime, you will find it there. Yes indeed. You know, there’s a reason Utah and Mississippi are the online porn capitals of America.

I’ll never forget going to a friend’s bridal shower in rural Kentucky. The other guests were school teachers and housewives, people whose husbands were leaders of the community. They taught Bible study at the First Baptist church. And they were talking about how once a month their husbands rent a van and take an overnight trip to Nashville to indulge in our city’s strip clubs and then-notorious massage parlors. They weren’t upset or shocked by it at all, they weren’t speaking in hushed tones. It was, “oh yeah, Ed went to Nashville with the crew last weekend to hit the strip bars, what are you gonna do?” These are the same people who talk about “small town values” and clucked their tongues over Monica Lewinsky.

You talk to anyone in a small town, where gossip flies faster than your high-speed DSL line. They all know who’s doing what, who’s getting their sexytime on, who dresses up in his wife’s clothing to check the mail during the day, who’s cheating on whom. Let’s just stop pretending we’re something we’re not, okay? Let’s stop pretending that what happens in New York City or Washington D.C. is somehow any different from what happens in your hometown. Get off your damn high horse. We’re all the same.

And can we please stop pretending that when Democrats do it it’s somehow worse than when moralizing holier-than-thou, family values Republicans do it? Doesn’t hypocrisy mean anything?


Filed under sex scandal

7 responses to “Birds Do It, Bees Do It

  1. dolphin

    You know when Polaroid’s instant cameras first were released it was called “The Swinger” ostensibly for the attached cord it “swung” from, but of course it was also (or even primarily) an allusion to the open secret that it was going to be a favorite of the amateur pornographers (no need to take the film in to be developed!).

    Weiner lied. That’s a bit of an issue for me. The picture(s), not so much.

  2. The best person to handle a sex scandal in my memory was Madonna. Remember, early in her career, when a photographer came forward saying he had nude photos of her? And he was selling them to “Playboy”? Instead of a bunch of fuss and hullabaloo she just said, “yeah I posed nude for a photographer back then. So what? I was hungry, I needed the money. You got a problem with that? Don’t look at them.”

    Honestly the more these pols try to run away from the bad news the worse it is.

  3. Min

    I’m just pissed off about the dog and pony show after he was caught. Dude, own up and move on. It’s not like anyone is going to be surpised that guys are fascinated by their own penises and expect others to be fascinated by them, too.

    Big whoop.

  4. I’m just pissed off about the dog and pony show after he was caught.

    Oh sure I agree. That was incredibly stupid. WTF was he thinking? But he did own up to it pretty quick once it was clear he was only digging the hole deeper.

  5. James Pope

    I just wish there weren’t more attractive people in Congress to show off their genitals. You know, because I checked those Madonna pictures out and they were kind of hot. I suspect that no matter what my sexual orientation, pictures of Weiner’s wang won’t be.

    We need more sexy people in Congress if they’re going to make it a point to show us their junk. You know, some people that everyone can agree “Man, why is that one PAYING for it?”

  6. Yes but that’s my point, isn’t it? It’s not just members of Congress doing it and it’s not just attractive people or unattractive people. It’s everyone. It’s your next door neighbor and the person who sits next to you in church and the person on the other side of the cubicle at work.

    Click the link on the Tennessee car dealer, I mean geez. No wonder that guy had to bribe people for sex.

  7. ThresherK

    My scorn is reserved for everyone in the press who can’t tell the difference between “icky” photos sent and the ramp ups from political figures who keep:

    Trolling for hookups on Craigslist.
    Keeping mistresses, and paying hush money for same.
    Hiring prostitutes.
    Toe-tapping for gay sex.

    And still telling us what to do with our bodies in our bedrooms.