Other Worrisome Gateways

Okay, a few folks are demanding I weigh in on our stupid Tennessee state senate, which passed a bill yesterday updating our abstinence-only curriculum to include “hand-holding” as a “gateway sexual activity.” I haven’t written about it because, well, for starters, it’s Tennessee and the collective stupid streaming out of the state capitol these days has been overwhelming. At this point I am throwing in the towel on every single one of our state legislators. They’re all morons who don’t seem to understand why they are in office. Hint: it’s not to try to return us to the mythical Good Ol’ Days Before Baggy Pants and MTV Ruined Everything.

But also, give me a break: “updating” an abstinence-only based sex education curriculum while keeping it abstinence-based is not an update. It’s a stupid exercise and you just know nothing sensible will come out of it.

I’d love to see how this thing works in practice, though. That wasn’t an earthquake you just felt, it was the collective eyeroll of every teenager in Tennessee upon being told hand-holding leads to sex. Considering the graphic sexual behavior kids see every time they turn on the TV, it’s just hard to take this shit seriously.

But also: The law now bans teachers from “demonstrating” gateway activity, to which I respond: teachers were “demonstrating” gateway activity in the classroom? Really? This happens? Boy, sex ed sure has changed from when I was in school. I’m quite sure watching my 8th grade health teacher “demonstrate” fellatio would have been a brain-searing trauma.

Anyway, as long as the Tennessee General Assembly is worried about gateways, I thought I’d mention a few other troubling ones. I’m sure they’ll want to get right on these (if they haven’t done so already):

• Dancing, the gateway to moral turpitude.

• Rock and roll music, the gateway to satanic rituals and human sacrifice.

• Budweiser, the gateway to heroin.

• Owning a cat: the gateway to owning more cats.

• Science, the gateway to thinking.

• Speaking French, the gateway to wearing jaunty hats.

• Having cable, a gateway to re-enacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen.

Leave your suggestions in comments ….


A commenter has reminded me of this.


Filed under abstinence-only education, Tennessee, Tennessee government, Tennessee politics

31 responses to “Other Worrisome Gateways

  1. Meg

    Don’t forget Milk the gateway to Budweiser
    Marriage, the gateway to divorce
    Children, the gateway to insanity
    legislatures, the gateway to padded cells.

  2. D.

    Where to begin?

    Disney movies, the gateway to unrealistic expectations about life;
    Greeting one’s neighbors, the gateway to caring about them;
    Gospel-based Christianity, the gateway to Communism (seriously, read Acts);
    Bathing, the gateway to not stinking up the joint;
    Reading, the gateway to lives different from one’s own;
    Empathy, the gateway to understanding and sympathizing with lives different from one’s own;
    History, the gateway to learning from prior mistakes, which is why conservatives fear it.

    I am tightly restraining myself from saying “Tennessee legislators, the gateway to ignorance,” because it is not fair to the citizens of the state who didn’t vote for these bozos.

  3. OK, know what this hand-holding blah reminds me of? I took my daughter to Liberty U, the school created by Jerry Falwell, the Moral Majority fake, back in ’87 at the request of one of her friends. That was the ‘rule’ there as well…meanwhile, there were MANY gays sharing apts there. What a friggin’ hoot. Of course those students did not procreate because of that handholding rule…or any other.

  4. efgoldman

    My theory: The TN legislature has decided to incorporate as a traveling political comedy troup, like the Capitol Steps.

    See ya’ later over at BJ.

    • efgoldman

      SB, you arond to rescue me out of moderation?

    • Yeah, we can ridicule and make fun, as these bozos really want us to laugh at all their juvenile idiocy…which really is the gateway to going along with to more derision of females and Stacey’s desire to keep girls and women perfectly ignorant of their rights, sexual, medical and educational. It is not a huge leap from “don’t hold hands or you will get in trouble” to the ‘aspirin between a girl’s knees theory/joke’ to prevent pregnancy. It is no wonder that real serious companies who would like to locate here are running away from the dumb hillbillies in Nashville!

  5. Literacy, the Gateway to “To Kill a Mockingbird.”

  6. Holding your child’s hand while walking across the street, gateway to incest.

    School kids holding hands as they leave the building in a fire drill, gateway to orgies.

    (An idle mind and this post, gateway…)

    • Yeah you know this whole thing reminded me of every single photo I’ve ever seen of those “meet me at the flag” Christian prayer events. They always show kids in a circle around the flag holding hands.

      So I guess that’s a no-no, now? Holding hands in prayer? Cuz … sexytime!

  7. Dancing, the gateway to moral turpitude.

    This isn’t hyperbole, it’s the plot line to FOOTLOOSE.


  8. Min

    Swallowing watermelon seeds, the gateway to growing a watermelon plant in your stomach.

  9. Gun ownership, the gateway to becoming a serial killer! Wait, that CAN’T be right!!

  10. Flying Junior

    Joining the republican party is the gateway to spiritual death.

    Seriously, holding hands in high school is one of my fondest memories. “When I touch you I feel happy inside!” Some sick fucks. From the party of Larry “Wide Stance Craig”, Mark “Are You Rock Yet?” Foley, David “Powder Me!” Vitter and that cigarette-smoking piece-of-shit John Boehner who defended each and every one of them. any of you old-timers remember Bob Packwood. Clarence Thomas?

  11. Funny post. Curious what you would think about a “dyed in the wool” conservative who:
    – Dances quite well despite a lack of formal training.
    – Enjoys Metallica (is that rock and roll enough for you?)
    – Prefers Corona a bit more than Budweiser.
    – Has a Bachelor’s degree in Chemistry, minor in Biology
    – Also had over 20 college hours *en francais*
    – Has cable, and would enjoy reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen… but still thinks Full Metal Jacket was better.

    • Alan

      Wool dying – gateway to getting thrown out of the Republican party.

    • Has cable, and would enjoy reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen…

      If you’ve seen the ads for DirectTV from which I cribbed that bit, you do NOT want to re-enact scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen.

      As for the other stuff, if you’re all the things you say you are AND are on board with this bullshit about holding hands, then you’re either a liar or a moron.

      • Neither a liar nor a moron – just as sick as you about all the lack of intelligence coming from our state’s capital this session.
        Difference is, I wanted them to pass some meaningful bills. We have our concealed carry laws that need to be brough more mainstream. Then there’s education that needs overhaul – certainly not the way they are “doing” it. And reform of our tax laws here in TN to stop penalizing success would be a good idea, too.

        PS – got the quip about Charlie Sheen and have seen the commercial. Thought it was cute. But still think he’d be a blast to hang around for an afternoon or so.

    • John Weiss

      Corona tastes like soap. Mexican Coors if you will. ‘Cept Corona does have a taste.

  12. John

    All these can be simplified down to this fundamental equation:
    Existance is a gateway to everything.

    You can only avoid sin by ceasing to exist.

    Let’s start a petition to ban existance. It’s the only way to save the children.

    • Excellent observation. But if we ban existence to avoid sin, then we’ve by default also excluded ourselves from redemption. And I thought that was the point in the Christian worldview? Oh well.

    • Say what? Wonder how many of these sanctimonious cretins got their wives or girlfriends pregnant by ‘holding hands’? And they want to teach our children these myths and lies abount human sexuality instead of FACTS and the truth…their mothers and grandmothers must be so PROUD. Sick bastards. Little children need to be touched and hugged and felt they are special, not be made to feel “dirty” from the simple act of holding hands!

  13. By their reckoning, handshakes, between men, are the gateway to teh GAY buttseks!

  14. Lawmommy

    Owning a cat is TOTALLY a gateway to owning more cats…sigh.

    As the wife of a teacher (although thankfully not in the Tennessee, since I’m married to a science teacher whose head recently exploded when he read an article about the new attempts to question evolution and global warming in science classes in Tennessee) – the thing about teachers being barred from “demonstrating” led me to wonder this:

    If a teacher takes his wife for his obligatory 2 hours of chaperoning the Prom or Winter Formal, and said teacher holds hands (gasp!) with his wife at the dance…or (god forbid!!) maybe he gives her a peck on the cheek while they are demonstrating their mad skillz from their pre-wedding dance class during a slow song at Prom – is the teacher in violation of this law???
    Or maybe a teacher and her husband are holding hands while waiting in the hot cocoa line at the last football game of the year? What then? Are the teachers going to be reprimanded for demonstrating gateway sexual activity in public?

    This makes my head spin.

    • Really, it’s truly bizarre. As I said elsewhere, holding hands in prayer is really common. I’ve seen pictures of those “meet me at the flag pole” student-led prayer vigils and as often as not the kids are holding hands. So because it’s not a “demonstration” in health class, it’s okay? Really, what kind of perv do you have to be to see s-e-x in every little thing?

  15. “meet me at the flag pole”? Is that some sort of code?

    • Yeah I think it’s some kind of statement about AMERICA and how we’re a CHRISTIAN NATION and even though it’s a public school you can’t take God out of it or some shit like that. I think the ACLU had sued and lost about it… now all the FCA groups have these events.

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