Okay, a few folks are demanding I weigh in on our stupid Tennessee state senate, which passed a bill yesterday updating our abstinence-only curriculum to include “hand-holding” as a “gateway sexual activity.” I haven’t written about it because, well, for starters, it’s Tennessee and the collective stupid streaming out of the state capitol these days has been overwhelming. At this point I am throwing in the towel on every single one of our state legislators. They’re all morons who don’t seem to understand why they are in office. Hint: it’s not to try to return us to the mythical Good Ol’ Days Before Baggy Pants and MTV Ruined Everything.
But also, give me a break: “updating” an abstinence-only based sex education curriculum while keeping it abstinence-based is not an update. It’s a stupid exercise and you just know nothing sensible will come out of it.
I’d love to see how this thing works in practice, though. That wasn’t an earthquake you just felt, it was the collective eyeroll of every teenager in Tennessee upon being told hand-holding leads to sex. Considering the graphic sexual behavior kids see every time they turn on the TV, it’s just hard to take this shit seriously.
But also: The law now bans teachers from “demonstrating” gateway activity, to which I respond: teachers were “demonstrating” gateway activity in the classroom? Really? This happens? Boy, sex ed sure has changed from when I was in school. I’m quite sure watching my 8th grade health teacher “demonstrate” fellatio would have been a brain-searing trauma.
Anyway, as long as the Tennessee General Assembly is worried about gateways, I thought I’d mention a few other troubling ones. I’m sure they’ll want to get right on these (if they haven’t done so already):
• Dancing, the gateway to moral turpitude.
• Rock and roll music, the gateway to satanic rituals and human sacrifice.
• Budweiser, the gateway to heroin.
• Owning a cat: the gateway to owning more cats.
• Science, the gateway to thinking.
• Speaking French, the gateway to wearing jaunty hats.
• Having cable, a gateway to re-enacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen.
Leave your suggestions in comments ….
A commenter has reminded me of this.