Last night we watched “Identity Thief” on DVD, which was a truly horrible movie. That got me thinking of all the horrible movies I’ve seen recently, and trust me: there have been a lot. “Iron Man 3” was pretty horrible. So was “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” I’m pretty sure any movie based on a comic book is going to be horrible these days.
Hollywood: WTF is wrong with you?
So I wonder: what is the best most horrible movie you’ve seen recently?
By horrible I mean a movie that is supposed to be good, but isn’t. Movies with a strong cast or a good director or that even maybe got nominated for some awards for some inexplicable reason. I’m not talking true schlock like Saw IV or Friday the 13th Part 1,072. I’m talking a movie that everyone thought would be good until it all went horribly, horribly wrong.
I think by far the worst movie I’ve ever seen which fits that criteria is “Les Miserables.” Good lord, that was torture. Impossibly long, horribly overwrought, no one in the entire film looked like they’d taken a bath. Everyone looked like they smelled. I like musicals, but I didn’t like any of the songs in this one. And every time I thought we’d reached the end and I could finally go to the bathroom I’d find out nooooo! It’s not over yet! That movie was my Gitmo, it broke me, and when I was finally allowed to leave I crawled out of the theater ready to kiss the ground of the parking lot, amazed that I had survived. And you know, I have only myself to blame: after all, the word “miserable” was in the damn title.
The other horrible movie which runs a close second is “Incredibly Loud And Extremely Close.” I hated that movie so much I wanted to punch it. I could not believe it was nomninated for an Oscar. The little kid in the movie was incredibly annoying and unsympathetic, and I kept wondering, “where the hell is the mother?” And then when you find out at the end — spoiler alert ahead — that mom had been following along the whole time, unseen, clearing his path, softening the ground ahead of him like some kind of Holy Ghost, I just wanted to shout, “No fucking way!” I mean, it just defied credibility. Didn’t she have a job? I felt like that was the laziest, stupidest thing in the world — as if the movie wasn’t testing well and someone decided to tack on this 10 minute explanation at the end to make it seem more believable.
So, what’s your favorite horrible movie?