There Is No Santa Claus, Idiots

Jesus effin’ Christmas Tree. This explains what’s wrong with your modern conservative, in a nutshell. Arguments over whether Santa Claus was white, black, orange or green are completely ridiculous when you dial back a bit and remember one crucial thing: Santa isn’t real!

You know, I’d love to use this nonsense to point out all of the other fictitious things conservatives believe in: the free hand of the market, trickle down economics, tax cuts create jobs, Obamacare death panels, Conservative Jesus, etc. Seems like I’ve had to remind conservatives about the difference between fiction and reality before, back when they were pretending Jack Bauer was a real person and torture was the best defense against terrorism. But that’s not what’s going on here.

That conservatives are divorced from reality when it serves them is not news; that they will go to the mat in defense of Santa’s “whiteness” speaks to something deeper. This is about race and identity and the pathetic need to hang onto the idea of white superiority. It wouldn’t matter what race a mythic figure like Santa Claus is if conservatives like Bill O’Reilly didn’t feel so insecure about their cultural position in the first place. It’s another manifestation of the conservative inferiority complex, broadcast on Fox News for all the world to see.

There is nothing more ridiculous than a privileged old white guy arguing that no, black people cannot have Santa Claus. He’s ours. Do you people even hear yourselves?

And they wonder why the rest of the world laughs at them.


Filed under Bill O'Reilly, racism, rants, Republican Party, War On Christmas

21 responses to “There Is No Santa Claus, Idiots

  1. greennotGreen

    But what about the Easter Bunny? I have generally seen him depicted as brown, but in the film Rise of the Guardians, he was played by a grey bunny. Was that a dodge to avoid the question of race?

  2. Yeah, Santa’s white. Eight fucking reindeer–ALL BROWN; they have to be, otherwise Pasty Claus would never get his ass back outta the hood.

  3. If an epidemic of Empiricism breaks out much of the world will cease to function.

  4. deep

    I dunno, that segment pissed me off on so many level, but I did like Stewarts portrayal of it. (Which is admittedly the only way I even know about the “controversy” to begin with.)

    Speaking of “controversy,” NPR was really pissing me off this morning because they said that the Pope’s recent statements left “some” call him Marxist.

    EXCUSE ME, but RUSH FUCKING LIMBAUGH is NOT “SOME”. To even pretend like this is a legitimate controversy is really bad journalism from NPR. Didn’t they announce a couple of years ago that they would stop trying to give both side of an issue equal weight anymore? What ever happened to that?

    • deep

      In fairness though, my local station later followed up by pointing out that it was Limbaugh who said it.

    • I cannot wait for conservative Catholics to act true to form and simply crown their own “conservative” Pope. I mean, that’s what they always do, right? When any group or institution or thing is at odds with their conservative ideology, instead of realizing they’re just wrong, they go and establish a conservative version of that thing.

      It will be like the great papal schism of the 14th century. Showing us how truly “modern” the Republican Party is …

  5. Bitter Scribe

    This is reminding me of how indignant Dan Quayle was about Murphy Brown.

    Does anyone remember David Letterman stepping toward the camera and slowly explaining, “Mr. Vice-President, Murphy Brown…”

    [solemn pause]

    “…is a fictional character.

    • I dunno, I think that Murphy Brown may actually be less a fictional character than Quayle himself.

      “It will be like the great papal schism.”

      Awesome name for a punkthrashspeedmetalhair band.

  6. Jim in Memphis – he must have just forgot to mention that Santa was also white…

    • Thanks for pointing out that the conservative worldview is as simplistic as an 8-year-old child’s.

      An 8-year-old child’s in 1897, no less.

      • “An 8-year-old child’s in 1897, no less.”

        If you stop and think about it for a moment, an 8-year-old child’s in 1897 was probably better educated, more open to change, more scientifically curious and less xenoblackophobic than anyone in today’s Teapublican party. AND, bonus, prolly didn’t have a stash of unsecured and loaded gunz lyin’ bout the house.

  7. “Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS.” Paging Eve Ensler.

  8. GregH

    Hmmm. I thought I remembered Saint Nicholas was Turkish, but my source of all wisdom, Wikipedia, says he was a bishop of Greek descent in Lycia (now part of Turkey) and was one of the attendees of the First Council of Nicaea in 325 CE and a signatory of the Nicene Creed. Of course, white folks in the South used to make Greek and Italian immigrants go to the segregated black schools sometimes, so maybe he could be claimed by either “race.” Why he should come to the Netherlands from Spain as Sinterklaas with his Blackamoor servant, Zwarte Piet, bringing oranges & other goodies to Dutch children on his feast day is…well…simply beyond me.

    • Interesting.

      I’d heard of Sinterklaas, we were trying to remember the legend there … involved Nubian slaves if I’m not mistaken. They gobbled up all the bad children or some such.


      Talk about your war on Christmas!

  9. thomas

    I don’t think Santa is racist. Why does it matter to anyone what color he is? If the myth came from Germany then he is German or he is an Elf or one of the Sidhe and an entirely different race or being that simply has a soft spot for mankind and confused by our obsession with making him one color or the other.. Silly humans

    • It’s just a way the right continues to fight the culture wars. Remember when Christmas was a holiday of peace and goodwill towards men? Instead we have a “War On Christmas.” Republicans are truly despicable people.

      • GregH

        Fixed it for you.
        “Republicans are truly despicable RICH people.”
        Poor people who think they are Republicans are just very confused.

      • thomas

        Greg H: I like that and I want to try to remember it.
        SB: I do believe you said it all. I was attempting a little humor with the whole Santa myth thing (I believe in Santa, just in case he happens to be a reader here). Thanks for all the good writing. I do enjoy your blog.

  10. C B

    A post on a friend’s Facebook:

    Fox “News” Anchor Megyn Kelly:

    “For all you kids watching at home ..
    Jesus is white.
    Santa is white.
    Frosty the Snowman is white.
    The Easter Bunny is white.
    Snow White is white.
    Donald Duck is white.
    Mr. Green Jeans is white.
    Captain Kangaroo is white.
    The Aflac duck is white.
    The Michelin tire guy is white.
    The Pillsbury Doughboy is white.
    They’re all white, dammit!
    That’s a verifiable fact!
    I’m white.
    It just is.”

    Here’s the sad part. Another friend of his thought he was quoting.