Am I the only one thinking this? And I’m not even talking about the U.S. medal count, which actually was pretty decent.
Let’s start with Sochi, which has to have been the worst pick for the winter games ever. Excuse me, but who picked Sochi in the first place? From everything I’ve read, this is a resort where old Communist Party aparatchiks would go to escape the Moscow winters. It was colder in Nashville than Sochi, Russia, fer crying out loud! (I’m not even joking, it really was.) And it’s not like Russia doesn’t have a lot of cold places, either. What a horrible pick.
For a lot of the events the athletes weren’t able to perform at their best, through no fault of their own. That’s a huge buzzkill to everyone. I mean, c’mon: I’m watching the final slalom event and skier after skier can’t finish because the snow is too crappy. That’s outrageous for the Olympics.
This thing had fail written all over it — indeed, #SochiFAIL was the defining Twitter account of the games. I heard Bob Costas say the games “solidified Vladimir Putin’s power in Russia” or some such nonsense but let’s be real, Costas is looking at the games through rose-colored corneas. We had news that Russian authorities planned mass killings of Sochi’s stray dogs, causing U.S. athletes to personally intervene and adopt entire families of strays. We had a reporter grill Bodie Miller on his dead brother so thoroughly that the guy who had just made U.S. ski history walked away sobbing. We had weird bathrooms and athletes locked in their dorm rooms. We had cossacks beating up the members of Pussy Riot. It was just all too much aaaagh.
Also, let me say: it’s time to edit the Olympics again. I did this with the summer games and I think it’s time tackle the winter events. I appreciate all of these new-fangled X Games events they’ve added, but there’s just too much and we need to let some go.
1- First on my list is bobsled. Bobsled is stupid. You’re in a car. I’m not saying it’s not dangerous or fun but it’s dumb. Plus, there’s two-man, two-woman and four-man. Why isn’t there four-woman? And come to think of it, why even have four-man? What are the extra people there for? To push the car you had to make bigger and heavier to hold them? Nope, you’re outta here.
2- I don’t get luge and skeleton. You’re on your back on one, your stomach on the other. Either way, it’s advanced sledding. Meh.
3- I liked watching the ski cross and snowboard cross, but I don’t understand the rule that lets every single person fall down and come tumbling across the finish line and whomever makes it across first wins. Seems like you should at least be vertical to win.
4- Biathlon has to go, because it’s boring, and also it’s like awarding someone a medal for being a sniper. It’s too militaristic. We already have a competition for militarism, it’s called war. And why rifles? Why not archery? Seems like that would be harder.
Or, on second thought, maybe they could combine it with ski jump — maybe in homage to SNL’s hilarious Claudine Longet Invitational skit from so long ago.
I dunno. I think it was a big, fat dud this year. Even with Jimmy Kimmel’s “Wolf In The Hall” prank.