The Olympics Sucked This Year

Am I the only one thinking this? And I’m not even talking about the U.S. medal count, which actually was pretty decent.

Let’s start with Sochi, which has to have been the worst pick for the winter games ever. Excuse me, but who picked Sochi in the first place? From everything I’ve read, this is a resort where old Communist Party aparatchiks would go to escape the Moscow winters. It was colder in Nashville than Sochi, Russia, fer crying out loud! (I’m not even joking, it really was.) And it’s not like Russia doesn’t have a lot of cold places, either. What a horrible pick.

For a lot of the events the athletes weren’t able to perform at their best, through no fault of their own. That’s a huge buzzkill to everyone. I mean, c’mon: I’m watching the final slalom event and skier after skier can’t finish because the snow is too crappy. That’s outrageous for the Olympics.

This thing had fail written all over it — indeed, #SochiFAIL was the defining Twitter account of the games. I heard Bob Costas say the games “solidified Vladimir Putin’s power in Russia” or some such nonsense but let’s be real, Costas is looking at the games through rose-colored corneas. We had news that Russian authorities planned mass killings of Sochi’s stray dogs, causing U.S. athletes to personally intervene and adopt entire families of strays. We had a reporter grill Bodie Miller on his dead brother so thoroughly that the guy who had just made U.S. ski history walked away sobbing. We had weird bathrooms and athletes locked in their dorm rooms. We had cossacks beating up the members of Pussy Riot. It was just all too much aaaagh.

Also, let me say: it’s time to edit the Olympics again. I did this with the summer games and I think it’s time tackle the winter events. I appreciate all of these new-fangled X Games events they’ve added, but there’s just too much and we need to let some go.

1- First on my list is bobsled. Bobsled is stupid. You’re in a car. I’m not saying it’s not dangerous or fun but it’s dumb. Plus, there’s two-man, two-woman and four-man. Why isn’t there four-woman? And come to think of it, why even have four-man? What are the extra people there for? To push the car you had to make bigger and heavier to hold them? Nope, you’re outta here.

2- I don’t get luge and skeleton. You’re on your back on one, your stomach on the other. Either way, it’s advanced sledding. Meh.

3- I liked watching the ski cross and snowboard cross, but I don’t understand the rule that lets every single person fall down and come tumbling across the finish line and whomever makes it across first wins. Seems like you should at least be vertical to win.

4- Biathlon has to go, because it’s boring, and also it’s like awarding someone a medal for being a sniper. It’s too militaristic. We already have a competition for militarism, it’s called war. And why rifles? Why not archery? Seems like that would be harder.

Or, on second thought, maybe they could combine it with ski jump — maybe in homage to SNL’s hilarious Claudine Longet Invitational skit from so long ago.

I dunno. I think it was a big, fat dud this year. Even with Jimmy Kimmel’s “Wolf In The Hall” prank.

16 Comments

Filed under Olympic Games

16 responses to “The Olympics Sucked This Year

  1. Phantom 309

    Why are the X Games events in the Olympics? Don’t those showboats already have the X Games? Geez!

    • Yeah, and hockey has the Stanley Cup, ice skating has world championships, downhill skiing has international competitions, etc. Sports actually need to be organized enough to have serious competitions and international governing bodies in order to get into the Olympics. It’s good for the Olympics to have fun, telegenic sports and not just stuff that’s been in the games since before WWII.

  2. Frank Simpson

    Frankly, we found it best to watch many of the events with the sound off–to filter out the worthless commentary. If I heard “Awesome” and/or “Absolutlely Awesome” one more time I am afraid I would have become homicidal!

  3. ThresherK

    I enjoy the sliding sports for the same reason I enjoy NASCAR: It very vaguely resembles something people do in the real world, but if one just watches it on TV it looks much easier than it really is.

    One can take a “tourist run” in the back of a bobsled at Lake Placid. They’re not promising you world-record speeds, but it does seem the kind of thing that would make many a brave soul soil themselves. And I want to do it someday.

    I don’t know how to fix biathlon, but I think paintballs are involved: Start them in 30 second intervals and the racers are penalized (with added time) if the one behind them catches them and hits them with a paintball. You don’t get all the paintballs you can carry, so you have to use them judiciously. And if you “blow up” (go anaerobic) trying to catch someone, your time will greatly suffer.

    PS Someone else already called these the “Sluschi” Olympics. Makes me wonder why the Slushee folks haven’t bought the sponsorship.

    PPS Add one more penny in the well wishing that NBC would let the (prerecorded) closing ceremonies be broadcast without their commentary.

    • One can take a “tourist run” in the back of a bobsled at Lake Placid.

      New rule: if they can turn your sport into a ride at Disneyland, you don’t get an Olympic medal for it.

      I win.

      • Mike G

        I’ve done this at Salt Lake City, it’s a lot more violent than it looks, even at 60mph with wheels on concrete instead of the 90mph they reach on ice. You pull over 4Gs in the turns and your helmeted head is banging uncontrollably against the sides of the sled. Kind of like being in a fighter plane without leaving the ground.

      • Right, and I never said it wasn’t hard, or dangerous, or whatever. But to be an Olympic sport? Nah. It’s dumb. We don’t have NASCAR in the Olympics. In fact, I think we can get rid of every sport using that track — bobsled, luge, skeleton, etc. All of it. In the gallery of abandoned Olympic venues, they loom large.

  4. Another Halocene Human

    I live in North Central Florida and all that’s been on TV for weeks is NCAA basketball because the Gators are winning. Nobody I talked to even knew that US had lost in hockey to Canada men’s and women’s and that means we have to keep Bieber… damn internet culture.

  5. Phantom 309

    Forgot to mention that there needs to be a limit on the number of times a person can enter (Miller, White, etc.). Hey, give somebody else a chance!

  6. Mike G

    I know nothing about whether Shaun White is a decent person or a jerk, but NBC tongue-bathed him so incessantly as the all-time Emperor and Sun King of snowboarding that I started to hate the guy.

  7. Shaun White is Tony Hawk on a snowboard. He’s just colorful enough to use as a mobile billboard without being threatening,

    One plus. The Olympics kept Putin from publicly going to the aid of his murderous piece-of-shit buddy in Ukraine.

  8. Bitter Scribe

    What really sucked was the U.S. women’s hockey team’s choke of the century. The men’s hockey team was close behind in the disappointment department.

  9. jazzbumpa

    You didn’t even mention the figure skating judges, one of whom was caught fixing score in a prior olympics, and another married to the head of the Russian skating federation.

    That is un-fucking-believable.

    JzB

  10. Chris V

    I turned on the games last night at 8pm. It took a full half-hour until I actually saw some sports. That first 30 minutes was spent on some random athlete’s tear-jerking personal story. There is too much sports content to show on television. NBC shouldn’t be adding this non-sports crap to the broadcast.

  11. deep

    The Olympics are so corrupt I wish every member of the IOC would just go away and die.

    Seriously, here in Boston, the guy who is the head of the special commission is the CEO of New England’s largest construction firm. Sweet flying spaghetti monsters, can we say, “conflict of interest” together??

    I got a great idea: you like sports? Go support your local high school teams. They’re better athletes than 90% of the corporate sponsored deadbeats performing their tripple lux twists or whateverthefuck they’re called.