Relatable, Now With Electrolytes

Today’s front page of The New York Times has a story on Jeb Bush trying to lose weight, which is fine, I get that the political punditry wants to “humanize” presidential candidates and present a picture of them as “real people.” But this particular a piece of bullshit pissed me off:

The rigid abstemiousness runs the risk of putting him at a dietary distance from an American electorate that still binges on carbohydrates and, after eight years of a tea-sipping president, craves a relatable eater in chief.

What. The. Fuck.

America “craves a relatable eater in chief” who “binges on carbohydrates” like they do? No. I’m going to stop you right there, buckaroo. I don’t know from under which rock reporter Mike Barbaro pulled this piece of conventional wisdom, but let me say: nothing shows how out of touch you are from the rest of America than stupid statements like this. Americans don’t drink tea? Low-carb diets aren’t popular in the U.S.? Have you been to a fucking grocery store lately, buddy? A real one, not one of those little New York City corner delis, I’m talking the goddamn Kroger or Safeway. Do you ever step outside Manhattan for more than two hours?

Can we please stop portraying the American electorate and American politicians in such childish ways?

I am sick of this bullshit that crops up every four years, when the punditry suddenly decides it has its pulse on “real America” and it knows what we “crave” in a presidential candidate, which is to be exactly like their (completely false) image of us. We want to have a beer with them! But not any beer, certainly not one of those gay beers from Yurp, it has to be a manly-man beer! A Budweiser!

Do you people even hear yourselves? Do you hear how insulting that is to us, we Real Americans in the “flyover states,” not to mention how insulting it is to the candidates? Fucking-a.

Memo to the New York Times, writer Michael Barbaro, and the rest of you idiots in the political media: you have no fucking clue what America craves, so stop with the idiotic “real America” framing. You’re making fools of yourselves.

We do not have the luxury of playing that stupid media game this time around. We simply do not have the luxury of pretending to give a crap that the presidential candidate put Dijon mustard on his hot dog instead of a Real Murcan Mustard like French’s (irony alert). We do not have the luxury of debating whether Hillary Clinton should have gone to Taco Bell instead of Chipotle. And I am not going to pretend that because I live in Nashville, Tennessee my diet consists solely of deep fried fat balls and a side of sweet tea. It does not.

I am not going to pretend that I can’t relate to Jeb Bush because he’s on a Paleo Diet instead of binging on microwavable Mac’N’Cheezybits like Real Murcans. I can’t relate to Jeb Bush because he’s a conservative hawk who has embraced the architects of his brother’s Iraq War fiasco. I can’t relate to Jeb Bush because while he claims to favor small government, in actuality he inserted himself into the Schiavo family’s darkest hour. I can’t relate to Jeb Bush because he would return us to the same pro-corporate, pro-wealthy policies that sank the economy when his brother was in the White House.

What he eats for dinner isn’t even on my damn radar, you fools. Stop treating the electorate like idiots.

8 Comments

Filed under 2016 Presidential Election, media, rants

8 responses to “Relatable, Now With Electrolytes

  1. Eykis

    Excellent rant, thanks.

  2. Shutter

    You want a fat president?

    Bring back Taft, you can vote for Bush 3, 4, 5 and up anytime.

  3. “But not any beer, certainly not one of those gay beers from Yurp, it has to be a manly-man beer! A Budweiser!”

    This.

    Budweiser (Anheuser Busch) now owned by InBev, an ostensibly Belgian firm which happens to be run by this guy:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlos_Brito_%28businessman%29

    who is, wait for it–

    a Brazillionaire!

    Don’t Jebya and his fambly eat a lot of the same food that them illegulz and beaners eat? Why do they hate MurKKKa!

    • CB

      Thanks, dc. First thing I thought of when I saw Budweiser.đŸ™‚

      • I know Budweiser is now owned by the Belgians. The irony is there’s a bar here in Nashville that has a huge Budweiser neon sign that still proclaims it’s “Made In America.” That might be true, but it’s not OWNED in America.

  4. I, btw, want a president who gets gassy, has ‘roids, knobby joints and eats a lot of Alpo–that’s my kinda candidate. And I want Congress to GTFoffa my lawn!

  5. If we talk about what Jeb eats long enough, maybe nobody will ask what he thinks.