Of course this came out of Tennessee:
“Look at my picture and ask yourself ‘Would he really do that for money?’ YOU CAN TELL I WOULD!”
That’s how Ron D. of Loudon, Tennessee, described the seriousness of his eBay listing, which was called “I will embarrass Mitt Romney on national TV for money.”
What would your high bid buy? “The possibilities,” the seller said, “are endless… As long as it isn’t against the law, I’ll do or say whatever you want until someone comes and drags me away. And it will take a few of them. I’m a biggun.” Bidding started at one penny.
Oh, Tennessee. Stay wacky.
Such is the enmity Mitt Romney inspires in people. You know, Ron D. could always just … not vote Mitt Romney! But no, Romney comes off like such a greasy player, the stereotypical used-car-salesman but with better suits, that it’s not enough just to vote against the guy. People want to take him down.
Me? I find Romney’s voice the biggest turn-off (other than the heinous “corporations are people, my friend” policies, the flip-flopping, the tying-the-dog-to-the-roof, etc.) Just in terms of the person, there’s something too smooth about that voice, that screams “untrustworthy.” If I heard Mitt Romney in a dark alley I’d run — fast. He’s that creepy.
Things Romney should never say on TV: “It won’t hurt a bit,” “trust me,” “would I lie to you?” and anything ending with the name “Clarice.”
But Romney is going to be the nominee, no matter what anyone says. No matter how much Santorum-mentum is out there. No matter what Newt Gingrich wants. It’s already been decided by our capitalist overlords. And while Democrats might rejoice that their opponent is so despised, my view is that this is going to be the ugliest, sleazieset, slimiest presidential election in U.S. history.
If you despaired the ethical nadir that was the Swift Boat Veterans, funded by big businessmen like Bob Perry and even our own Lee Beaman and foisted on the public by right-wing media figures like Jerome Corsi and Sinclair Broadcasting, well: you ain’t seen nothing yet. It’s gonna get ugly. There will be new lows, unimaginably despicable depths to be plumbed. Obama won’t just be a reverse-racist, Muslim-Kenyan, Socialist Nazi. He’s going to eat aborted Christian babies for breakfast. They’ll finally find that “whitey tape.” Michelle Obama will be revealed to be Louis Farrakhan’s secret love child. I mean, I can’t even imagine it, but it’s going to be shocking, you just know it will. Because when so many people hate the Republican nominee, the Republican Party has no choice but to use fear as a motivator. And after what we saw in 2008, which was shockingly sleazy, you just know they’re going to have to crank up the volume exponentially.
At a certain point these tactics have to backfire, I keep holding out a shred of hope that my fellow Americans will finally say enough, but it hasn’t happened yet, so until it does: more of the same, but on steroids. Not just rat-fucking, but nutria-fucking. Coypu-fucking. You get the picture.
The other thing they’ve been trying to do is pretend the last Republican administration was not George W. Bush’s but Ronald Reagan’s. Have you noticed that Bush has disappeared off the map? The entire family is gone. Know what you get if you Google “Bush”? The first three results refer to the rock band. I almost feel sorry for him, except of course I don’t. But you won’t be hearing anything about Bush. Instead, he’s been replaced by Ronald Reagan, as if both Bush terms and that of his father never happened. That’s why we aren’t seeing anything from Jeb Bush. No one wants the Bush name out there reminding people of past failures. No, we’ll just pretend none of that happened and roll the clock back two decades. That, and a constant drumbeat of fear, tinged with racist dog whistles, might get enough people to hold their nose and pull the lever for the lying Massachusetts liberal in the magic underwear with Satanic markings.
This is how I see the next 10 months going. Regardless of the election’s outcome, we’re all going to come out the other end bruised and bloodied. This will not be a proud moment for American politics. You can take that to the bank.