Chris Christie Is Severely Conservative

Please stop telling me that Chris Christie isn’t sufficiently conservative because CPAC did not invite him to their little crapfest this year. I ain’t buying it.

This whole phony-baloney CPAC “snub” storyline is such an obvious piece of marketing bullshit. I know my readers are too smart to fall for it, but it amazes me that the political media has. Seriously, guys, how many times are you going to get played? Or maybe you just don’t care. Yeah, that has to be it. It’s all Kabuki, the media is dutifully playing their part, and we rubes in the sticks are supposed to eat it all up. Thanks for watching the previews, now get ready for the big show somewhere around 2015!

Americans have been played so many times by the endless deluge of political theater, I just don’t think it’s going to work. At least, it’s not going to work on me.

Look, the big problem every pundit and Republican “strategist” identified as sinking the Mitt Romney campaign was its failure to “define” their candidate early in the game. The big thing that sunk Romney, according to the experts, was that Obama “defined” Romney as an out-of-touch, super-wealthy, flip-flopping elitist. Hey, if the shoe fits, amiright?

So it’s just so obvious to me that the Republican establishment has identified Christie as their guy for 2016 and they’ve started “defining” him as the anti-Teanut, non-crazy Republican.

Look, Republicans figured out that the extremists that make up their base have hurt the party, so they’re tossing those folks under the bus, tricorn hat and all. Instead they’re going to offer up their straight-talking, outspoken, Real American, blue collar dude who will “reach across the aisle.” As proof that he’s not one of the foamy mouthed Neanderthals, look at how he’s been “snubbed” by CPAC! See!

Pfft. Except he wasn’t too liberal for CPAC last year, when he took to the podium and bragged to those same foamy-mouthed Neanderthals about what a dick he could be to Democrats, and how Obama is a scary big-government guy who is going to ruin the country for future generations. I found a copy of Christie’s 2012 CPAC speech on YouTube, it’s a bad video and you might want to just listen to the audio or else take some Dramamine capsules before you watch it:

Listen to him gloat about how he went in and made budget cuts by executive order, instead of negotiating with the Democratic legislature on a budget, because fuck yeah, that’s how Chris Christie rolls. That moment of non-compromise elicited vigorous cheers from the audience, because there’s nothing wingers don’t love like a fellow conservative bully. (And really, haven’t we already had one Little Napoleon in the White House in recent memory? Do we really need another?)

Christie is another union-hating, cheap labor, tax-cutting, de-regulating, pro-life, ex-Wall Street lobbyist, Reagan-worshipping Republican. Make no mistake, these people are all the same. Like our Bill Haslam, they may look reasonable, but they always revert to type. They’ll let the mouth-breathers and Bible-bangers have their way, if it suits their interests.

That’s why Christie vetoed New Jersey’s same-sex marriage bill last year. Noted Steven Goldstein, head of Garden State Equality:

“He won’t veto the bill because he’s anti-gay,” Goldstein said in a statement issued before the veto was issued Friday. “He’ll veto the bill because the 2016 South Carolina presidential primary electorate is anti-gay.”

Truer words were never spoken. But a funny thing happened between last February and this February: the American people overwhelmingly rejected the “legitimate rape” wing of the Republican Party and their “binders full of women.” The War On Women became a real thing, and nobody cares if a couple of gay guys get married anymore. So this CPAC “diss” is a carefully planned brand roll-out.

Remember when John McCain was all “mavericky”? And then quickly disintegrated into a flip-flopping Pander Bear? This is like that, but I don’t think Christie will pander. He’s too smart for that, plus he can bully his way into the Republican nomination, because did I mention how much Republicans love their pet bullies? I really don’t think he’ll have any problems with the Tea Party crowd, those guys are so over, and Christie will have all the Wall Street and Koch money he needs to buy the nomination.

This guy isn’t the people’s choice, he’s the establishment choice, the Wall Street choice, the choice of the plutocrats. And liberals better start mining the memory hole now before the thing is scrubbed clean.

Also, y’all have no idea how much it pisses me off that I had to add a “2016 Presidential Election” category with this post. Cripes, America. Get a new hobby.